Babies of the heart

The Ouwerkerks have always preferred adoption to grow their family

MIKE AND ANDREA Ouwerkerk both had a deep-seated desire to adopt.

“When we met, it was the cherry on top when we realised we weren’t going to have to convince the other person about adoption,” Andrea says.

Four years into marriage, the Cape Town couple began the adoption process, opting to work through Child Welfare on the strength of a recommendation.

“We had been told it could take as long as a pregnancy but also heard about people waiting for years. Given that we weren’t very specific about race or gender, we didn’t expect to wait long,” says Andrea.

She says while both her and Mike were eager to be parents, neither of them were disappointed at having to wait because they realised the importance of the process, including the time and space to grapple with their fears and expectations around adoption.

“There is a lot of loss involved in adoption, for all the parties involved,” says Andrea, reflecting on the odd responses they got from some of their friends. “We expected that people would be popping champagne in anticipation. Instead we were asked ‘why?’ Someone close to us even suggested we visit a children’s home on weekends rather than have a baby through adoption.

“At first we were defensive. Then I realised my responses were loaded with my own feelings of loss that I hadn’t known were there. After I began to deal with some of the loss I was experiencing, I was able to be gracious to people who were openly processing with us,” she explains.

Andrea says both she and Mike entered the process with open hearts and minds. “The only stipulations we made were for a young baby and not a baby with special needs. As we have neither full-time help nor the means to provide for such a child, we felt it wouldn’t be fair on the child.”

It took about a year, from the time the Ouwerkerks submitted their application to the day their beautiful son, Jordan, arrived home. He was 5-and-a-half months old.

“Jordan isn’t his birth name. We chose to change his name because we felt God gave us the name Jordan, which means ‘to flow down’ or ‘descend’. His second name, Zuko, means ‘glory’. Much like the river Jordan, his life is a reminder of God’s glory in the detail.”

Jordan’s a happy boy, who is always smiling and giggling, Andrea says. “He loves to be the joker in our family. We can’t get enough of the humorous side of this little person!”

Andrea says she was surprised at how easily Jordan bonded with her and Mike, as both had so many fears around bonding.

“Yet Jordan seemed completely trusting of us. He knows we are his, and he is ours.”

The couple has had to coach their close friends and family in the language of adoption, so that they never refer to Jordan as not Mike and Andrea’s “own” child. “Jordan is our ‘own’ child.

Some children are adopted, and some are biological.”

Andrea says the couple has realised they have baggage of their own, which they’re dealing with. “We’ve learnt that we need more role models of colour in our lives. And some people close to us have unhelpful opinions about race, which we didn’t see before. So, in order to protect my son, I might have to let go of some friendships.”

One of Andrea’s biggest fears, she explains, is that her son may one day be bullied on account of being a transracial adoptee. And, she adds, to mitigate against this, she plans to ensure he has Xhosa role models and learns the language and culture.

The Ouwerkerks belong to a support group for adoptive families, organised by the social workers who facilitated their adoption. Such support groups tend to offer a lot of empathy. “We see the value in listening to adoptees and learning from parents of trans-racial adoptees who are further down the road on their adoption journey,” Andrea says.