Baby proof your love life
Although it’s useful to discuss the general division of duties (for example, explaining that dad will have to change some nappies), many parents find that they cope with practical issues very differently to how they expected to cope before the baby was born and that they just figure it out as they go along.
One of the biggest issues that happens is when one parent-to-be anticipates problems with the way their partner may parent. “During the pregnancy, one partner will start worrying about little aspects of their partner’s behaviour, generally negative aspects. They start worrying that those negative aspects are going to become problems for their children, and they start nit-picking their partner,” explains clinical psychologist Jeanine Lamusse. “It doesn’t help at all, and often you don’t realise that this is what’s going on. It just seems that you’re starting to fight a lot more and are worrying a lot more,” she comments.
This is because you’re looking at your partner as a prospective co-parent. “If you find yourself doing this, take a step back and get a sense of what you are worrying about,” she advises. It’s always useful to chat to your partner about your concerns, but rather than framing them in a personal attack, talk about these concerns in a more abstract way. “Talk from a ‘me’ space – ‘I feel that this is going to be a concern’ – and what kind of impact you imagine it will have on parenting or on your child so that your partner can help you unpack that,” she recommends.
STOP AND LISTEN
Parents who have different parenting styles will often start talking to each other in a way that becomes “attack and defend”. “Doing this polarises you to a point where there is no meeting of the minds or opportunity for compromise – and no chance of giving your child a sense of their parents working as a team,” cautions Jeanine. If this is happening, it’s very important to work out a different way of communicating where you’re not attacking each other, she stresses. “When you do have differences, it’s important that you stop and listen. You might actually find merit in your partner’s point of view. They might hear you and you might find a new way of approaching an