Someone is watching...

Wondering where your child gets it from? Relax. There are some good things that children can learn from our bad habits.

Michael’s parents return home from a meeting with the teacher where she expresses her concerns about his lying. His parents sit down to talk to him about this inappropriate behaviour. ”Where did you learn this, Michael?” his father wants to know. Just then the phone rings. Michael runs to answer it. “It’s Uncle Rob,” Michael says. “Oh,” says Dad, “Tell him I’m not here.” We often expect our children to behave better than we do. We expect them to do as we say. But the truth is that children do as we do and not as we say! Parents are powerful role models. Our behaviour has a profound impact on our children. So what happens when you have occasion to mess up? What is the impact on your kids when you’re not the paragon of virtue? Here are some ideas about what kids learn from our bad habits. Firstly, there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Just like there are no perfect kids. Our aim is not to be perfect! Our aim, as Dr Donald Winnicott, a leading 20th century British psychoanalyst and paediatrician said, is to be ”good-enough parents”. This is about finding a healthy balance between perfection and reality, between striving to do the right thing and accepting the times when we’re unable to do so. When we’re able to tolerate mistakes in ourselves, then we model for our children the capacity to tolerate mistakes in themselves too.

Sometimes, we set high expectations that we just can’t meet. We want our children to think that we are “finished products’’. And when we set this up, we rob our children and ourselves of the opportunities to be human. Our kids need to see that we too are working on our character traits. We too struggle and strive to grow. This does not mean that we justify our errors by saying, ”That’s me, and there’s nothing I can do about it.” We need to acknowledge our errors and commit to change them. This way, we give our children a healthy role model of what to do with parts of themselves that they too don’t like – and want to change. Let’s look at some practical examples.

1 YOU LOSE YOUR COOL…

You’ve been asking your child to get in the bath, and he just doesn’t listen. You’ve had enough. And so you lose it… THE GOOD THING your child learns if you lose it occasionally is that there is a limit to your resources. This is a good lesson. Parents don’t have endless amounts of patience, tolerance, time and energy.

THE BAD THING your child learns, however, is what buttons to press to get you going. If this happens again and again, then he will only listen to you when you lose it. This is called the ”critical pitch”. He will only tune in when you’ve reached it and won’t hear you before then. Your normal voice will be like background noise to him.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Stop talking. Start taking action. He will learn from what you do and not from what you say. For example: turn off the TV, bend down to eye level and tell your child: “It’s bathtime. Either you get in, or I’ll put you in. What would you prefer?’’

2 YOU TELL A WHITE LIE…

You’ve just had a new baby. You ask your partner, “Do I look fat?’’ and there is only one answer “Of course not…”

THE GOOD THING your child learns is that it’s important not to hurt other people’s feelings. White lies are strategies people use to smooth over real feelings or thoughts for social gains.

THE BAD THING your child learns is that he doesn’t have to honest if it will hurt his own or other people’s feelings. Then, when he spills milk all over the kitchen floor, and you march in demanding: “Who did that?’’ he’ll most likely answer “It wasn’t me.” It’s very hard for children to determine the boundary between white lies and other kinds of lies. Most children will not like to deal with the difficult feelings that come with getting into trouble. They will try as far as possible to get out of that spot – even lying to do so. We want to teach our children to be able to sit with their difficult feelings and survive. If they can do this, then they can take responsibility for their behaviour.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Don’t get into these conversations. It’s better for Dad to say ‘’I’m not a good judge of that – I like you the way you are.’’ Remain uninvolved. Another tip is to remain vague. We don’t have to answer every question or get into every conversation. Instead of saying, ‘’We missed the party because my son doesn’t like your child’’ and instead of the white lie: ‘’We missed the party because we forgot’’, you can just say, “Sorry we missed the party… hope you had a great time.”

3 YOU SWEAR…

You burn the toast at breakfast time and you are in a hurry… And so the occasional sh*t slips out.

THE GOOD THING your child learns is that even adults make mistakes. And boy, kids are happy to let you know it! But you will have to have the same rules for everybody at home. I suppose the good thing then is that helping your children to find appropriate ways to express themselves gives you the opportunity to do the same. However, if you mostly do use appropriate language to reflect your own feelings of frustration, irritation, disappointment and so forth, then the occasional slip is harmless.

THE BAD THING is that if you consistently swear, your child will follow your example. And while you might tolerate it at home, teachers won’t tolerate it at school, and his friend’s parents won’t like the influence it has on their children either. WHAT CAN YOU DO? Let your child know that you are not perfect. You’re also working on yourself. Tell him you will help each other to use better words to express sad and angry feelings. Give him and yourself some options. If you don’t plan to substitute “shucks’’ for “sh*t”, you won’t use it. Then close your eyes and visualise yourself in situations where you can use the more appropriate alternative.

4 YOU BREAK A PROMISE…

You promised an outing to the zoo on Sunday. The kids have been nagging you for weeks. But it’s raining.

THE GOOD THING is that your child will learn that his parents are not omnipotent and omniscient. He will learn that neither he nor his parents are able to control everything, that some things are beyond one’s control. This will leave him feeling sad, angry and disappointed. It might leave you feeling guilty too. Everybody wishes for a sunny day. But the disappointment will give him the opportunity to survive difficult feelings. He needs to have practice at this. It builds emotional maturity.

THE BAD THING your child learns when you repeatedly break promises is that you can’t be trusted.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep. Don’t feel pressurised by your child into saying ‘’yes’’. Rather opt for, “If you have to know now, then the answer is no.” Give yourself time to think about promises. And if you happen to break one, apologise, and keep your word the very next time you’re expected to do so!

. 5 YOU BADMOUTH SOMEONE…

You can’t stand it when your neighbour drops her kids off at you for hours on end. You start to complain about her in front of your child...

THE GOOD THING your child learns is that you’re able to identify your feelings and allowed to express these. But you’ll need to find more appropriate ways of doing so. THE BAD THING your child learns is that the way to deal with anger is to criticise, blame and shame someone else. If you keep doing this, your child will learn to do the same. He’ll blame others for making him angry instead of finding better solutions to the problem.

WHAT CAN YOU DO? Try to model a healthy way of dealing with issues. This might mean that you express how angry you are! Go on about you (rather than others) by saying, ”I don’t like this arrangement. I’m very angry about it… I can’t believe I got into this…” and then focus on finding solutions. “I’m going to let my neighbour know that an hour is enough time for a play date, and that if she can’t come get them, I will offer to take them home.”

6 YOU’RE ALWAYS IN A HURRY…

There are always demands… baby to feed… work… What does your child learn? THE GOOD THING is that your child begins to see more than himself in the picture. Despite his wish to finish watching a video, Mom has to go and he has to go too. He learns to shift and recognise another person’s needs.

THE BAD THING is that when his parents are always hurrying, your child may struggle to keep up. He may feel manipulated and resist with a power struggle. Or he might feel over-pressurised and become anxious about meeting the demands placed on him. This can even interfere with important developmental tasks – such as using the toilet. Children need time to listen to their bodies and produce a stool. They also need time to explore the world around them through play. WHAT CAN YOU DO? Slow down where possible. Don’t over-arrange your child. He needs time to do nothing, so that he can fill up the space with his own activities. If you have a time deadline (like a school lift scheme), give him (and yourself) extra time for unexpected problems. Remember not to fall into the “small-adult-syndrome”, expecting your child to be an adult in a small size. He’s not. And he isn’t always able to hurry. Adjust your expectations accordingly. ●