DRAWING A LINE IN THE SAND
Before the only safe place you know turns into a battleground, try to define the boundaries and set the ground rules, so that everyone in the family knows where they stand.
SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES
Sit down together with your parents, and set the boundaries when it comes to parenting roles. Important questions to ask include: when can the granny step in, can the grandparents punish the kids themselves, what rooms or spaces in the house are off limits to the kids? Basic things that may not seem like big issues can lead to problems if not addressed immediately. Once you have set the rules, communicate them with the children. It is important for them to understand the changing roles of their grandparents. “The parent and grandparents should do this very early on. In the grandparents’ home, certain rules apply to which the parent/s and the children should adhere. If the parent is unsure, they must bring it out in the open. If they disagree, it should also be discussed with the purpose of finding common ground,” says Erna Rheeder, coordinator of the non-profit charity organisation SAVF.
PICK YOUR BATTLE
You are not going to win every fight, and some of them are just not worth the effort or consequences. Choose the issues that really matter to you when it comes to parenting your kids, and then let the rest go. You may not feel it’s necessary to cook separate meals for the children, but if your mom is prepared to, then decide if it is something worth arguing over, or if you should just let her cook the way she wants for the children.
HAVE YOUR OWN SPACE
“Having to open your home to your child and grandchildren could cause stress levels to rise rapidly and result in stressful relationships,” Erna warns. Everyone having their own space will help to ensure that this stress is reduced. It doesn’t have to be a big space, but having somewhere that you and your children can consider your own is vital to maintaining healthy relationships within the home. It is also important to allow your parents time in their own space without your children around. As much as they may love having you and your children there, they need a break in what is essentially their own space.
REMEMBER YOUR MANNERS
This may sound simple but is often one of the first things to fall by the wayside in these situations. A simple thank you will go a long way to making your parents feel appreciated. “Always show gratitude for any help you get from your parents. That gratitude turns into grace when you are having a bad day or when motherhood is too much for you and you need time off,” says Jess, a single mom who lives with her folks with her child Aiden.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Respecting your parents and the decisions they make will in turn help them to respect you and the decisions you make. Mutual respect between you will also make it easier for the children to respect the decisions that get made in a three-generational household.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
Keep the channels of communication open at all times, especially when the going gets tough. If there are disagreements, talk about them before they become bigger issues and create rifts in your relationship with your parents. This includes your kids’ feelings, fears or anxieties. Be sure that your children know they can come to you with anything that’s bothering them. “Allow your children to vent their feelings,” Erna adds. “Give them enough opportunities to run around, kick a ball, or take part in sport where that negative energy gets channelled positively.”
STICK TO A ROUTINE
Try to keep some of the old routine in place in the new surroundings. Creating stability and security for children, routine helps them know what’s happening next, which makes them feel more in control of their lives and what’s happening to them. Not only will a good routine help to ease the children into the new situation, but everyone will also know what’s happening when. Try not to see this move as a setback in that grand plan you had, but as a chance to enrich your children’s lives with stronger bonds and a better look at good relationships and conflict resolution. This positive effect of living with family can never be underestimated. In general, grandparents bring stability in a child’s life, Erna says. “This could be a win-win situation if everyone agrees to work at it.”