An odd couple’s odd but swinging wedding

The other day I wrote about a wedding I attended in the Midlands which was on par with an extravaganza at Sun City, bar some bare breasts and purple ostrich feathers.

Now I want to tell you about another wedding I was part of not too long ago.

The invitation, in the form of a Whatsapp message, read like an invite to a braai; ‘Bring jou choppie, doppie n koppie. Guppy and Silvey is getting married at the MOTH club and the party will be at there house’.

Besides the date, just that! No RSVP or a ‘contact this number for more information’.

Fishing shirt

They are an odd couple in every sense. Both short and both either almost obese or almost not obese

(it’s difficult to tell), but with hearts of gold, especially when sober.

I cannot see how they will be able to procreate because according to my calculations at least one of them will have to be a contortionist.

Then again, a dachshund once impregnated our German Shepherd through a fence, so my estimates might be off.

There were 25 people at the wedding; 10 from her side and 10 from his.

The other five were just having a Saturday afternoon beer at the MOTH club and got invited to join us.

Silvey looked like she survived an explosion in a hairspray factory and showed off a vast cleavage from inside two hectares of hired chiffon.

Guppy wore his light blue Rapala Quick-dry and Anti-UV Ray fishing shirt. I think he wore it because it’s the most expensive piece of clothing he owned and also the only shirt with a collar so as to take the green Ventersburg Posduif Klub tie.

Frozen beer

He gave her a ring, or rather, it looked like he did because I couldn’t actually see a ring. It was either very small or due to the poor lighting in the bar.

With the formalities out of the way the barman played Neil Diamond’s Sweet Caroline and Silvey’s dad yelled ‘A round for everybody on me!,’ at the top of his voice.

He was already one ahead, having sipped on a double Klipdrift and Coke right through the ceremony.

The bill came to R347 but the man only had a R20 note on him so he asked us to pay for our own drinks as well as the one he already had.

He wanted to buy a Black Label quart with his R20, but when he was told a ‘dumpie’ costs R20, told the barman that he doesn’t want to buy the whole building, turned to us, and said we must drink fast because there’s a case of quarts in the deep freezer at home.

Big bash

The wedding car was Guppy’s cousin’s Uno Turbo with the Ferrari stickers. In the window it said, ‘Just Marry’.

The Y was squashed so I’m sure the grammar mistake was due to there not being enough window left for three more letters.

At home the almost frozen case of quarts was taken from the freezer and soon there were some Blue Bull steaks sizzling on the braai.

While Silvey might not make the finals of Bride of the Year, the party was definitely the bash of the year.

One I’ll never forget and neither will neighbours who complained three times about the music being too loud.