Navigating the crazy rules of rugby

I feel like they change the rules of rugby every season just to annoy those of us who didn’t even fully understand them last season. I clearly remember it being ‘touch, pause, engage’ before they gave each other a big hug and fell about giggling, and now I hear the ref saying some completely different instruction, ‘crouch, bind, set’ which sounds more like a baking instruction from Delia Smith than something you would shout on the rugby field (pitch? grassy knoll?).

Now that we’re almost at the end of the Rugby World Cup, I feel like I’m really getting to grips with the latest rules of rugby, just in time for them to completely change next season so every other country has a better chance to beat South Africa. It hasn’t worked yet, but the perseverance is truly admirable.

1. What is the point of it all?

There is none really, other than giving people an excuse to drink copious amounts of beer and cheer while burly men with cabbages for ears run into each other. Ideally, they’re supposed to be holding a ball, but sometimes they’re just holding someone’s head. They then run as fast as they can towards the big poles on the other side of the field and flop over the line – but if they flop onto another player first, it doesn’t count.

Scoring over the line is known as a try, even though you’ve scored five points and don’t need to try any more. But then you can try get two more points by kicking the ball over the poles (posts)? You can also sommer drop the ball and try kick it over the poles from wherever you are. Jannie de Beer holds the record of most drop kicks in a World Cup game, once again proving the importance of de beer in de rugby.

2. You go backwards to go forwards

The confusion continues when it comes to passing of the rugby ball. Logic would tell you to throw a ball forward, but a rugby field is no place for logic or IQs. When you’re passing the rugby ball, you do so quickly so some man who has been tackling wildebeest ‘oppie plaas’ since he was two years old doesn’t run you down. But in addition to being quick, you can only pass backwards or perpendicular to yourself – never forwards! Unless, of course, you’re kicking the ball in which case you will want to kick it forwards. Obviously.

3. Who’s who?

They’re all big and sweaty, often bloody as well, making it difficult to tell who’s doing what, where, and why at any given time on the rugby field. There are the forwards and the backwards who must all move forward by passing backward... or sideways.

Basically, there are eight players making up the forward pack: two props, one hooker (giggle!), two locks, and three loose forwards. Then there’s the backline, which is the scrumhalf, flyhalf, left wing, inside centre, outside centre, left right out, right wing, fullback. So, what do they all do? I don’t think even they know, especially the ones who’ve had to wrap their cauliflower ears with duct tape just to keep them from falling off.

There’s also the water boy who can either be some guy with a bit of pace and an intimate understanding of the hydration needs of professional sportsmen. Or it can be your director of rugby.

4. That’s a knock on!

When you see the rugby players running towards the try line and a player passes the ball (backwards) but then his teammate’s slippery sweat and blood-soaked hands drop the ball, it’s called a ‘knock on’. This leads to a scrum and the other team now gets a chance to play with the ball.

5. The off-side rule

Who knows? The best you can do when you hear ‘offside, ref!’ is just sigh, shake your head knowingly, and order another beer.

Rugby also has its own lingo, most of it’s in Afrikaans, but here are a few expressions you should know:

· Yellow card: This is when you break the rules you don’t understand in the first place - or bend them really badly - and get a 10-minute time out.

· Red card: You’ve done something really dangerous during an already really dangerous sport and now have to go think about what you did for the rest of the game.

· Bunker review system: Because nobody trusts the ref, this newfangled technical system monitors his (or her… but not really) decisions.

· TMO: Too Much Oompf! It’s actually when the ref doesn’t know what’s happening so they bring him a chair and some popcorn while he watches a replay of the action on the big screen.

· Ah, ref!: The ref has made a call against your team. This is generally followed up with any combination of expletives and name-calling.

Now go out there and pretend you understand what you’re watching, like the rest of the world!