Learning how to handle a catastrophe

I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but the future is looking pretty bleak. The ice is melting, even outside of Zululand; the Russians have shifted from Vodka to Molotov cocktails; and now we can’t even have a damn eggy-bacon fry up because the chickens caught a cold.

If this were a movie, now is about the time that the Avengers would swoop in and save us with some epic battle, but being the real world, we have to call on the real heroes – the politicians. As if! Can you imagine? Mr Fixit Mbalula trying to stop the Polar ice caps from melting with his handheld fan. Or Bheki ‘fedora’ Cele stopping a Russian invasion with his chest-outstomach-in strategy.

No, friends, it’s time to call in the scientists. I assume, having watched Oppenheimer, Interstellar, Flubber, and the Nutty Professor (1 and 2), that scientists are able to come up with some pretty impressive solutions as long as there’s money, a tight deadline, and a captivating leading man.

Problem is, I don’t think our best scientists have been working on solutions to global crises since they split the atom. In fact, if I had to go by most of the research being shared in media today, I would assume that 2% of scientists are working on actual problems like the climate crisis, cancer, and Cricket South Africa – while the rest are focusing on another really important

C-word: cats.

I have read more research findings on cat studies than there are empty bottles in my dustbin, and yet my morning news feed somehow spews out a new study to keep me distracted from my work, my children, and my actual cat. I know more about cat behaviour than I do about sports, geography, politics, maths, and gender identities combined – and I love it. For instance, the dedicated work done by these committed scientists has revealed:

• Cats understand their own names - they just don’t care

• Cats love human interaction – they just won’t show it

• Cats can lower the risk of human heart attacks – they just choose not to but actually prefer to induce heart attacks by jumping out at you every opportunity they get

• Cats understand how you’re feeling - and they hope it’s depressed

• Cats have acute hearing, excellent eyesight, and highly developed balance and spatial awareness – they just choose not to use it

• Cats don’t like to be touched too much - except when they do

• Cats start to reflect their human’s personality - which is almost always catty

• Cats are not a social species - I kinda feel like this one didn’t really need an entire study.

What I really want to know is who the hell is funding all this research?? I can only assume it’s a haggle of crazy cat ladies who have saved up so much money over their lifetime, having never had to pay for children, divorce, or soap. They probably have a really cool clan name like Crazy Cat Ladies Anonymous Secret Society and Yarn (CLASSY) and they meet every full moon to throw cats at the Gen Z kids.

I have so many questions! How crazy do you have to be to join? Are we talking Hlaudi Motsoeneng nuts or those people who do volunteer work ‘because it’s food for the soul’? What is the minimum cat limit? Is there a password to get into the society (please let it be a dirty word for cat starting with ‘p’ and rhyming with wussy!) Who determines the next research topic? Is there a cool ritual like getting a cat tattoo on your face to join? And where the hell do I sign up?

Cat research might not save us from our impending doom, but if we follow in their pawsteps – an attitude of complete disassociation, an addiction to catnip, and sleeping for 23 hours a day – we probably won’t be as stressed as we should be.