2023: A year in review in the dark

Dezemba is a wonderful time of year.

Everyone is pretty much operating at 25%, which is what I’m operating at for 11 months of the year, so I’m now taking it down a gear to 12.5%.

It’s also the perfect time to look back and take pride in what we’ve achieved.

Ending load-shedding or saving the planet are unfortunately not among them, but there are some nuggets of goodness.

It’s also just a really great excuse for me to copy-and-paste my previous musings while maintaining that premium 12.5% productivity as I crack open my daily Dezemba wine.

January (Update: Still load-shedding 16 years in)

The best we can say about the start of 2023 is at least it wasn’t 2020.

We started with a tiger joining the loan sharks roaming the streets of Jo'burg. It was oddly exhilarating, mostly for the people who didn’t live in Jo'burg, sort of like a Hunger Games meets Jumanji meets The Hangover.

February (Update: Still loadshedding but it’s Valentine’s so the candles are romantic)

I think there was a Budget Speech at some point in February. The numbers were high. It wasn’t good overall.

It was also my birthday. The numbers were high. It wasn’t good overall.

March (Update: We have a minister of electricity! There’s still load-shedding)

Not to be outdone by South Africa’s city tigers, the United States Air Force general announces he’s spotted UFOs flying around American airspace.

Unless they can generate electricity, South Africa is fast losing interest.

April (Update: The minister does it – there’s no more load-shedding! April Fool’s)

The world is suddenly talking about this new software, ChatGPT, that can write complete nonsense for no pay, eliminating the need for writers across the globe. Whatever. I’m still here copy-and-pasting just as impressively as any AI software out there.

There was also the biggest story to hit our headlines – the dead ‘Facebook Rapist’ rises from the grave and gets a Flat White with his doctor girlfriend at Sandton Woolies after they faked his death to help him escape from high-security prison using an elaborate plan involving a stolen corpse, a high-profile virtual gala event, and prison connections Oscar could have only dreamed of. Not even ChatGPT could make this up.

May (Update: Still loadshedding, minister of electricity, president shocked)

The over-priced, over-sugared, over-marketed PRIME energy drink hits the shelves with teenagers paying up to R500 for this non-alcoholic, diabetes-inducing beverage. The crowds can’t get enough.

…later that same month: PRIME energy drink reduced to normal price as demand hits an all-time low.

June (Update: More loadshedding as record winter lows increase user demand)

South Africa markets stage 8 loadshedding as an innovative move to a 4-day work week to rival the likes of Japan and Belgium in productivity.

The majority of South Africa is unaware of this move as they have no electricity to watch the news.

Covid-19 returns. Nobody cares.

July (Update: Reports of loadshedding being suspended for a day. Reports are false)

The world celebrates Corporate Wellness Week. South Africa misses it due to power outages. Mark Zuckerberg launches a new social media app, Threads.

South Africa misses it due to power outages.

August (Update: Still loadshedding, minister of electricity still tracking down electricity)

Elon Musk decides to take his reputation further down with his new social media app, formerly known as Twitter and now named after his 17th child, X.

He challenges Zuckerberg to a fight. Social media users quickly lose interest when they realise it’s not a fight to the death.

September (Update: Still load-shedding but it’s spring!)

The Rugby World Cup gets under way. Everyone is frantically trying to understand the new rules as well as why the former South African head coach is now the head water boy.

October (Update: Still loadshedding but wear a Bokke Friday jersey to distract yourself!)

The Springboks beat New Zealand to take home their fourth Rugby World Cup title. Politicians attempt to steal the limelight. South Africans suggest rugby players replace the politicians. Politicians go quiet.

November (Update: Weekend of no load-shedding for Rugby World Cup final just a 'mysterious coincidence')

The Proteas raise our hopes. The Proteas choke. Normality resumes.

My dog ate a bowl of prawn shells and farted non-stop for two weeks. Nothing else of consequence.

December (Update: Still loadshedding but it’s summer so go to the beach – not Durban though)

Matrics go raging. Dezemba drinking starts.

Cheers to 2023! Here’s hoping 2024 isn’t a copy-and-paste.