What they should’ve told you about having children way before the fact

EVERYONE tells you about the miracle of birth, and it is a miracle. Harbouring an alien for nine months, that leeches you of your life force with the end goal of either getting your stomach cut open to remove the alien, or squeezing the watermelon-sized alien through an opening the size of a guava.

It’s even more of a miracle that someone would do that more than once in their lifetime – you certainly didn’t see Russian serfs trying for another round in the gulags if they survived the first one.

When it comes to parenthood, the problem is there is too much focus on the baby years. Or should I say year. The majority of the time is actually taken up with toddlers, pre-tweens, tweens, teens, and student years… when they’re not so cute and cuddly. The marketing is really flawed and I’m here to set the record straight for all those wouldbe parents out there.

Lie #1: Babies are such fun

They’re not. They can’t talk, they can’t go out partying with you, and they don’t want to watch any of your favourite shows. If you want to know what it’s like to have a newborn, set your alarm for every 2 hours during the night, wake up and cry for an hour, and then get up at 5am to start your work day. When you’ve finished working that month, take at least three-quarters of your salary in cash, put it in a bin and burn it. Remember, you aren’t allowed to drink during this time, as you’re breastfeeding, and the TV has to be watched on silent so as not to wake your baby. Do this on repeat for 6 months before making that decision.

Lie #2: It gets much easier

You might get marginally more sleep at some point, but that pile of cash you’re burning every month just gets bigger. Once the babies are no longer as cute, the supply of gifted clothing stops and the school fees start. Plus, you can drink again, so that’s another cost to incur. The baby will eventually learn to talk, which means they learn to talk back. The baby will eventually learn to walk, which means you have to learn to run. You start longing for the days of interrupted sleep, although you’re only getting about 6 hours at this point anyway.

Lie #3: Siblings will play together

This is probably the biggest lie of them all. Siblings will not play together. They will never play together. They will fight. All the livelong day. And your role now becomes referee, but a referee at the end of his career who doesn’t really care one way or the other who wins or loses, as long as there’s a cold beer waiting for you at the bar. The best thing you can do is find a hideaway place with WiFi connectivity, line the walls with wine, and sneak there when the fighting starts. Just make sure your partner doesn’t find you – they must organise their own hiding place or you’ll just start fighting. It’s jungle rules out there – and only the inebriated survive.

Lie #4: You’ll get your body back

You will never get your body back, not even if you’re a man. Having kids was so stressful, my husband got an ulcer, developed a hernia, became a diabetic, and had to be committed – and that was just in the first year of our first kid. For the women (I’m assuming this won’t upset the gender fluids because I’m pretty sure it’s still the women who squeeze the watermelon out the guava), you will definitely not be getting your body back. Accept your potato form, grab a glass of wine and move on.

Lie #5: You must share your kids on social media

Get. Off. Social. Media. Those laughing imbeciles with their happy kids are ALL lying. Every single one of them. The more they post happy families, the more miserable they are. Nobody wants to see that, and nobody wants to see your kids either. Just watch cat videos like everyone else and you’ll be fine.

I’ve been sharing this life philosophy with all my friends wanting to have kids. Exactly 0% have listened. Fortunately, I’ve had children who will continue to advocate for our cause…. as, no doubt, will their children after them.