Budget tips for the governing kleptocrats

WHO watched the budget speech?

Brought to you by that other minister who also likes his hats.

At least this one has a brain cell or two, unlike the other one who suffers from the severest form of the Dunning-Kruger Effect I have seen.

A budget is a budget, whether it’s for the Jones family or for a corrupt third-world country like ours; if what comes in doesn’t quite match what’s going out, you eventually end up trying to stay afloat in shyte in a financial pit latrine.

It’s as simple as that.

From what I’ve read the country is in it deep, nose-barely-stickingout deep, so I would like to give the governing kleptocrats some budgeting pointers.

Seeing that I’m still floating and able to splash around a bit, I think I know something about budgets, even though I don’t wear silly hats and don’t go around pretending I’m general know-it-all nincompoop.

This is for everybody in government:

Firstly, incompetent guys and useless girls, if you steal more than what taxes bring in, then the country will fall down the long drop of financial hardship, and eventually there will be nothing left to steal. Like in Zimbo.

So steal less!

We all know that you’re never going to stop stealing, but really try just to steal less than what we give you.

Another way to make ends meet when the financial SHTF is to get a second income.

Whites like to sell koeksisters, while the Indians tend to fall back on samoosas when times are tough and blacks braai mielies or sell bananas.

Government has nothing to sell except empty promises and nobody buys that, so you will have to try and think out of the box on this one. Not the KFC box though.

Here’s an idea: rent out your body guards and blue light vehicles.

I’m sure there are businessmen out there who really work hard for their money and who would like charging through red traffic lights and over delivery scooters in order to make more money and to pay more tax.

Both parties can profit out of such a deal.

Spend less.

Yes, when times are tough you must make sacrifices which means that Armani business suit will instead have be something a bit more affordable from the local mall.

There’s plenty of designer shops in the mall where we tax payers cannot shop because otherwise we eat leaves and bark tonight, but government can afford these wares and will certainly still look smart.

I’m not saying you should walk around looking like you buy at the used clothes shop, just don’t fly to Milan every time you need a pair of Gucci slippers.

Support local.

Another trick us tax payers have learned since you have turned the economy into not much more than a spaza shop, is to buy bulk.

When buying in bulk you will actually get more value for the money you have stolen from tax payers.

I’m not sure whether Ralph Lauren will sell you fifty R200K wrist watches, but I’m sure Takealot will sell you as many Casios as you might need in your corrupt lifetime – remember we’re going to buy more sensibly.

My last tip to government is to be careful who you lend money to.

If Cuba doesn’t have 50-million for new cannons right now, they will not have it to give back tomorrow, and the money is lost.

Like the money lost by the Post Office. Gone forever…

Now that's all the budget tips I can give you for now because I have to go and sell something.