Don’t get petty when choosing the purrfect furry friend for your home

AS I sign up for insurance to prolong the lives of my dogs, I count the cost of these rescue pets that have enriched our lives in love but depleted our bank accounts and patience in nuisance. What do you need to buy a dog? Some bowls? Collars? A leash? Food? Sure. But those are the obvious costs.

I’ve also had to fork out for a new fence, a case of beer to repay the rugby coach who cleaned my dog’s turd off the field mid-game, the fumigation mask I had to wear that week we thought it was a good idea to give my dog prawn shells. I even had a dog behaviourist suggest I buy my dog a treadmill to work off that energy. Try again, hunny! I’m not getting caught in that trap. Fitness equipment in this house? I might as well just buy a clothes horse and be done with it.

My cat, rest her evil soul, was not much better. Despite sleeping 23.5 hours a day, she still managed to cost me more than the GDP of a small island. Her diet consisted of top-tier cat food with more nutritional value than the meals I give my children, of which she would eat 3 mouthfuls before leaving the rest to dry out, destined for the bin. Dare mix the wet and dry food and you might as well have offered her my cooking to eat. Her lavatorial habits also made the eyes water, beyond the smell. Going outdoors was not an option, she required a litter box with ultrafine, gold-encrusted crystals so as not to hurt her delicate paw pads.

Even in death, she had the last laugh. A week spent in the vet only to be told she probably needed to be put down. Buckingham Palace would’ve wept at that funeral bill.

But then, mine are not as costly as some pets.

Why people believe wild animals will make great pets is beyond me. It’s taken centuries to domesticate cats and dogs, and even those bastards will turn on you. But a hippopotamus? I just can’t.

It comes as no surprise to anyone – including the man’s wife – when a 40-year-old farmer was killed by his ‘pet’ hippo. Humphrey (how sweet) bit this poor Free State farmer to death, the same man who had rescued the heavy fellow just some years back.

“Humphrey’s like a son to me, he’s just like a human,” said the man, atop the hippo’s back. “There’s a relationship between me and Humphrey and that’s what some people don’t understand.”

Clearly, Humphrey didn’t understand either.

In Limpopo, a 39-year-old woman (maybe they’re taking out all of us middle-agers?) was attacked by a ‘tame’ hippo, Jessica. Jessica! Not even a human wants to be named Jessica. The hippo was probably rallying against the name. Jessica wasn’t the only hippo in the house. Richie also lives there. He’s probably just biding his time.

As the news report states: “The two hippos are like children in the home, and visitors are often captured feeding them treats such as sweet potatoes.”

What could go wrong?

In Jo’burg, in a matter of weeks, two tigers were found roaming the streets after escaping from their ‘homes’. I can’t understand if these homeowners misread the size of the cat they were ordering or watched The Hangover too many times, but tigers don’t make great pets. They make great man-eaters. Shere Khan wasn’t cuddling up to Mowgli, he was trying to eat him. Granted, Mowgli was hanging out with wolves, panthers and bears, but that was a different time.

Having visited a reptile centre recently, I feel that the man handling the venomous snakes put it best. Asking the audience whether or not snakes are pets, he corrected us imbeciles that, in fact, snakes are not pets. He said no snake wants to be ‘petted’. And you can have a snake for 15 years, name him Gerald, feed and care for him unconditionally, and Gerald still isn’t going to know who the hell you are. To Gerald, you are some blurry heatwave. Call Gerald to you, and he will not come.

“Gerry… Gerry… Gerald! Stop biting the children! Honestly.

Honey, do we have any antivenom left? Gerald bit the kids again. I don’t know what’s gotten into him.”

They might cost an arm and a leg, but domesticated pets generally won’t take your arm or your leg. Stick with rescue pets for now.