Humanity sadly thrown to the dogs

Recently, speeding along the

John Ross highway on my way to a meeting, I spotted a German shepherd dog (GSD) next to the road.

I slammed on the brakes without hesitating and two minutes later, after some goochie goochie goos with my most innocent Maltese poodle face, Wolfgang von Schleisher was sitting on my back seat.

He was a fine specimen and obviously belonged to someone, albeit extremely filthy after his walkabout.

But that didn’t prevent me from putting him in my car.

He needed rescue, and I was suddenly the Oskar Schindler of lost dogs.

Within an hour the Harry Houdini of GSDs was reunited with his overjoyed owners, his mom having broken out in tears when she saw him, and him chasing his tail in circles out of joy.

I might have also shed a tear or two.

At least social media is good for something, or so I thought….

For the next two days I was hounded by bored housewives who seemingly appointed themselves as the lost-and-found doggy police.

One pedantic Karen insisted ‘inspecting’ the dog before I hand it over to its owners in order to make ‘100% sure it’s not my friend’s lost crossbreed’, as if I don’t know the difference between a GSD and a labradoodle.

Another maniacal menopauseimpaired Karen even accused me of dog trafficking for financial gain, and suggested that I possibly sold it to a Chinaman for his sweet and sour dish just because I refused to give her the owners’ contact details so she can ‘explain to them how to be better dog owners’.

Lady, remove your nose from others’ business and go watch Oprah!

My Karen encounters really strengthened my opinion that humans are the actual problem, and that got me thinking; what if it was a human next to the road, one who was as bewildered and badly in need of a bath like that GSD?

Would I have been so quick to slam on the brakes and help him or her?

Honestly, if it was either one of those two Karens, I would have left them in the wild to slowly starve to death.

Any other human being?

Well, I might veer off the road for a human wearing a political party T-shirt, but only to run this rabid creature over so to make dead sure it doesn’t somehow find its way into public office.

We have enough varmint in Parliament as it is.

What if it was an attractive young lady, all lost and vulnerable?

Then I would’ve put foot because it’s a trap - her salivating accomplices are without any doubt hiding in the grass, waiting to hijack me.

You see, that’s exactly why I will stop and load a dirty mutt in my car, but won’t help humans; three rottweilers have never robbed me at gunpoint, but humans have.

A Doberman has never conned me out of my bank card at an ATM, but a human has.

Never has a bull terrier stolen my mountain bike.

I can go broader with the species if you want:

No cat has ever broken into my house and taken my laptop, and never has an African grey stolen my expensive Canon camera out of my car.

Humans have done all those things to me and more.

I’m actually ashamed to be a member of the worst species on this planet.

We are a plague!