Help and advice

Trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers advice on teasing in the workplace and building confidence in the dating world.

I’m fed up with my colleagues teasing me for being short

I'm 23 and only 4ft 10. I got teased and bullied badly at school and, although I did well academically, I was really glad to leave.

University was better, mainly because I had a bunch of great supportive friends however, I am now working and the teasing has started up again.

I work in a large, open-plan and sometimes noisy office, and while most of my colleagues are OK, a few have got into the habit of calling me "titch", "tiny" or "shorty".

I know it's probably not meant to be hurtful, but I am fed up with it. One older guy in the office is the worst offender and has started calling me "the midget".

I'd simply shrugged it off or ignored him before, but last week I finally lost it and called him a fat, balding bigot; I was too angry to explain why I exploded, and I simply stomped off.

Since then, people have been a bit off with me and the older guy just glares at me, as though it's my fault. I now feel guilty and wish there was some way I could take back what I said, but why can't they understand how hurtful their comments are?

P. H. Fiona says: If they are upsetting you then it needs to stop I think you are right, most people do not intend to be hurtful, they may even think they are being friendly. That said, comments about a person's physical appearance (even wellintentioned ones) are hurtful, something I suspect the older man you confronted probably now knows too.

They should also have no place in a work environment and I think you showed remarkable restraint in not saying something sooner. Indeed, there is an argument that it's a form of discrimination!

However, as you now realise, losing your temper was probably not the best approach and, if you want to build some bridges here, you'll need to find a way to have a quiet word with this man.

Explain that you feel bad about what you said and apologise if you think it helps. Also point out though, that you had been constantly teased in the office and that you found his use of the term "midget" particularly hurtful.

Hopefully, he will see this as an opportunity to also apologise, which should ease some of the tension in the office. If he doesn't, then at least you've done the right thing here.

I sense from your letter that, in the past, you've simply put up with teasing rather than create a fuss. But going forward, I think this may have to change.

Try to recognise that height is not YOUR problem and that people who seek to draw attention to it are usually doing so to cover up their own insecurities. Then let people know immediately if they say something that you do not like.

You don't need to get angry or confrontational, calmly explain that you'd rather they didn't comment on your height.

You may even prefer to use humour, with something like: "The best things come in small packages".

Whatever approach you use, always try to be positive but calm.

If none of this works and it's still a problem, you could consider talking to your company' HR department and asking for their support.

Meanwhile, stand tall, accept who you are and flaunt your confidence. If it helps, think about taking up as much space as possible in a room, you'd be surprised how much this can add to your appearance.

How should I deal with my daughter’s angry outbursts?

I have three children aged four, six and nine. I love them all very much but my middle child (a girl) has become very difficult over the past year or so.

She is angry a lot of the time for no apparent reason, and often works herself up into a tantrum from which she finds it almost impossible to calm down.

We spend a lot of time talking her down and have tried several different approaches, from getting angry ourselves to just holding her until she is calm again.

It's exhausting and, worse, I think my other two children have started to resent this. Please help as I feel I am failing as a parent.

W. B. Fiona says: Don’t be too hard on yourself Please don't think that way. You love your children and you're doing all you can to look after them, which is all any parent can do.

Your daughter's anger might indicate that she is being bullied or is unhappy at school, so it's probably worth checking with her teacher as a first step.

If all is OK there, it's always possible that your daughter's behaviour may be simply because she is the middle child.

Middle children do sometimes think that their siblings receive more attention and love. They can resent the older one for being treated as more grown up, and they younger child for being the baby that is forgiven more and given more care.

Your daughter's solution to this is to get angry in order to get noticed and, to date, this seems to have worked, so she probably sees no reason to change.

Given this, try rewarding her with love, attention or even treats when she is calm, and be aloof (but calm yourself) when she is having a tantrum.

Hopefully, she will gradually learn that there is nothing to be gained by being angry.

I get so nervous around men – help!

Why can't I hold it together when I'm around guys? I get nervy, tongue-tied and sweaty and I also blush like a tomato, which is never a good look!

I'm 28 and, although I have had a few dates, they have all led nowhere, as I struggle to talk coherently with other people, particularly men. I would love to have a proper relationship with the right guy, but the older I get, the less likely this seems.

My sister says that I am attractive and that, if I am patient, I will meet Mr Right one day, but how much longer have I got to wait? I already feel that I am the only 28-year-old virgin on the planet.

Anon Fiona says: Are you putting too much pressure on yourself ? I think your sister has a point; you're possibly putting too much pressure on yourself to find someone, which might be making your symptoms of shyness even worse.

Thinking negatively about yourself probably isn't helping either. Shyness and a lack of confidence stem from anxiety in social situations but the good news is, you CAN do something about it.

There's a wealth of digital and print selfhelp material available to read, far too much for me to recommend any one item. Alternatively, please consider counselling, which I suggest you speak to your GP about first.

In the meantime, please try not to fret too much over this. You are still young and there is plenty of time to find Mr Right, if that is what you want.

I’ve lost weight and gained confidence, but my boyfriend doesn’t seem too pleased.

Having lost nearly three stone in weight I feel so much better: I'm happier, fitter, and have so much more energy.

I've joined an evening art class, go to the gym twice a week and go kayaking most Saturdays - something I would never have done a year ago and I've started to look for a new job.

It was my boyfriend who first encouraged me to diet and exercise, and I love him for the support and help he gave.

However, now that I want to get involved in everything, he keeps trying to talk me out of it. He says he's worried he won't see me as often but, the truth is, I see him just as much as I did before.

Why is he doing this? Can't he see how much this means to me?

R. L. Fiona says: He might be worried he’s going to lose you You are no longer the overweight and lacklustre person he knew before - well done you!

You're now energetic, confident and ready to take on the world, something he clearly feels threatened by. I suspect he is worried that if you continue to try new experiences and meet new people, he will lose you so you need to talk with him about this.

Encourage him to see that it was he who pushed you to change and that you don't understand why he is now trying to hold you back.

He may not want to talk about his own insecurities in this context, and you may have to reassure him that you don't intend to leave him. However, if he is unable to accept the new you and continues to try to restrict you, perhaps you do need to think about moving on.