Bye bye, Auntie Beeb, you old bat

You could change the headline of this ramble to; 'Be careful what you wish for. Or, 'Opening my mouth just to change the position of my feet.' A couple articles back I mentioned traipsing along to a radio awards (no I'm not going to bore you with tedious name-dropping – although Elton did ignore me).

Against the odds, our radio station won a prestigious gong. In my own mild-mannered way, I got righteously roaring drunk. As we sat there with our bauble proudly on display I turned to my boss and said; “This is my best day ever. I reckon I could retire right now a happy man.”

Little did I know in a mere 6 months, I had decamped without my knowledge. Contract renewal time rolled around and as I sat down to some tough negotiations, my boss said; “But, you said you were happy to retire at the awards ceremony. So, we bought the gold watch and wish you well.”

Of course, the BBC wouldn't call it chucking someone under the bus. It's, 'recycling our creative pool and realigning our resources to our corporate strategy' – or some such self-serving, conscious uncoupling Paltrow piffle. Diversity was the watch-word.

A couple of years prior to my big flick, the then Director General, Greg Dyke, opined “We (the BBC) are hideously white and institutionally racist.” Mayday! - Inevitably, wholly unsuitable souls were being crow-barred into totally inappropriate positions to satisfy a ridiculous quota system.

Also, the ground seeds of the #MeToo movement was starting to peek through therefore the BBC decreed more women must be employed – oh! And we must save money.

Now, I know I'm starting to sound whiny, but it dawned on me I was in the BBC's opinion far too Caucasian - too chauvinistic – too costly. No doubt to be replaced by some bright young thing for half the cost and half the age of the target audience (55+) - most BBC local radio listeners probably have slippers older than the sparkly new mouth on a stick.

The BBC hierarchy loathes local radio, they feel it's a drain on the overall finances, “We can't pay Claudia Winkleman another half a million for no apparent reason because of those local yokel clodhoppers, with their flat caps and black pudding”. They must be jolly pleased that the audience numbers for local radio are disappearing faster than a robber's dog on the scent of a sausage.

Having said all of that, prior to my 'Dead man walking' act – I did have some top times sitting in a rubber room prattling on. Back during the miner's strike, I was working for a local station in the East Midlands. One fine morning a Tory MP for the area was due to come to the studios to discuss how Margaret Thatcher was dealing with the riots. At the prescribed time in trotted a dapper chap with a clipboard.

In Paxman mode I snapped; “So what are the Conservatives doing about this serious situation?” The reply was. “I'd have Thatcher swinging off a lamp post and give Arthur Scargill a knighthood” As you can imagine, this response took me a tad by surprise. I stuttered; “Is this the general consensus in the party?” “No idea squire, I'm with the Quality Carpet Company. I'm just here to measure up your studio for new floor covering. Didn't anybody tell you? Oh, and by the way, I think your Tory Toff must be running late cos he's only just arrived”. This sadly didn't go out live, it was a pre-recording, otherwise our small provincial radio station would have got national coverage – and who knows where the boy Ashley would have finished up.

Radio quizzes are always a guide to the state of the nation's intelligence quotient, and believe you me, it can be quite frightening and yes, depressing but at the same time great fun. For example. Presenter; “Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?” Listener; “Leonardo Di Caprio.” “Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?” “Hazzard.”

You want more, or are you sitting with head in hands musing; 'Where did it all go wrong?'

“What is the Italian for motorway?” “Expresso.” Okay, okay enough already, just a couple more zingers. “Name the German national airline.” “The Luftwaffe?” “In science what is the study of botany called?” “Bottoms?”

Daft thing is after the various highs and lows, I'm still at it (see ad just below).