Help and advice
Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine advises a woman unsure how to handle her feuding children, and another who is devastated by a son’s epilepsy diagnosis.
My children fight and argue so much …. Please help!
"I have two children aged seven and nine and I love them to bits but am worried that they argue and fight so much. This has been going on for some time and it's particularly bad during the school holidays - Christmas just past was especially difficult.
"My husband had to work right up until Christmas Eve and had to go back to work on Boxing Day, leaving me to cope with the usual post-Christmas let-down and mayhem. Even during termtime, they find any excuse to argue about everything and nothing, and increasingly when they fight, I worry that one of them will be badly hurt.
"My daughter, the eldest, is quick to lose her temper and I think she probably starts most of the confrontations, but her brother is no saint either. Last week, he provoked her by dropping her favourite book in the toilet and this led to a real meltdown.
"I spend as much time with them as possible and try to maintain the peace but it's not easy. We've tried punishments for bad behaviour and rewards for good, but nothing seems to work.
"In addition to a part-time job, I am also studying for a computer qualification so am exhausted most of the time. My husband helps when he can, but he works long hours.
"Neither of us has ever hit the children and nor do we want to, however, I get so stressed by the constant bickering that I am worried I will just lose my temper one day and lash out.
"What should I do? I am already dreading the Easter holidays!"
L. S.
Fiona says: ‘This is very normal, but still hard to deal with’
"Sibling squabbles are a normal part of family life and most children will at some point fight, argue and tease a brother or sister. It's a process whereby they learn how to interact with other people and a means for them to assert their growing independence.
"Your children are not doing this simply to make your life a misery, nor, I suspect, are they any worse than other children. Understanding this about your children is one thing - coping with it is a whole different ball game.
"The good news is, you're already doing many of the right things. It's important to step in and stop arguments and fights.
"If you allow it or simply ignore it, you're encouraging it. Similarly, if your setting positive and negative consequences for certain behaviours, it's important to be consistent. For example, if you threaten to withdraw pocket money when they argue or fight, do it and don't back down.
"I know it's difficult and exhausting, but over time they will eventually learn.
As for the holidays, I wonder if boredom might be partially to blame? I know you give them what time you can, but it seems that this may not be enough especially when part of their day isn't taken up with school. I say this not to be critical but to suggest that, when you are free to be with them, you make the most of it.
"Physically be with them rather than leave them to amuse themselves with TV or other computer devices, then keep them active and involved, and where possible out of the house.
"Your local library, leisure or sports centre, local authority and indeed their school should have details of activities and clubs for children. The more active they've been, the less energy they'll have to put into arguments.
So upset by my son’s epilepsy diagnosis
"My son is 17 and has been diagnosed with epilepsy. He has had several seizures of the last nine months, none of which have been severe.
"His GP doesn't seem concerned, but this has still come as a huge shock to us.
My son has been given some medication, but I worry that not enough has been done to find the cause of his illness.
"I was adopted but have never bothered to find my birth parents, so I feel guilty that this illness may have come from my side of the family. I also worry that the doctor doesn't seem in any hurry to see my son again. Surely my son should be tested further to see if there is some way for his condition to be cured?
"We all feel a bit on the dark and don't know where to turn for help and advice." T. H.
Fiona says: ‘Focus on looking forwards and finding support’
"It's always a shock when a child is diagnosed with a medical condition and the temptation is to cast around for someone or something to blame. However, while understandable, it's almost always a waste of energy as the causes of epilepsy are still largely unknown.
"While some cases have an obvious cause like an illness or a physical injury, most instances have no known cause. So please don't feel guilty, it's extremely unlikely that anything you have (or have not done) has caused your son's illness.
"Instead, try to focus on getting the support that he is likely to need and, as a first step I suggest you arrange to see his GP again and discuss the issues that are concerning you. If it helps, make a list so that you don't forget.