Help and Advice

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers guidance to a grandmother concerned about a caring father and a three-year-old daughter sharing baths

Is a dad sharing baths with a toddler daughter a cause for concern?

I'm really not sure about a situation that's going on in my daughter's family and I'd appreciate some advice. My sonin-law mentioned recently that he often had great fun sharing a bath with my three-year-old granddaughter. It seems that they have always done this and, whilst it is almost certainly totally innocent, I am worried that it might lead to child abuse.

I am probably over-reacting, but it seems that there is a new story every week in the news about child abuse and how, in nearly all cases, it's a family member or someone known to them. Should I speak to my daughter? The little girl seems so happy with her dad and the last thing I want to do is spoil it all.

However, neither do I want to simply ignore this if there is the slightest possibility that my granddaughter is being abused.

C. O.

Fiona says: ‘Shared baths are sometimes part of early family life’

Sharing a bath is not, of itself, a cause for concern. It's usually great fun for all concerned and for parents, it serves the additional purpose of getting the child clean!

It will, of course, involve cleaning those parts of the child that will, at some stage, become private. But it's important to remember that washing is just that - getting clean. It is not abuse and it is important that we remember it is right and proper for parents of both sexes to dress, wash, feed, cuddle and kiss their children.

When the child is used for the adult's sexual pleasure or gratification, or when his or her wishes are disregarded, then abuse is happening.

There is probably no harm though in raising the issue quietly with your daughter. Perhaps something along the lines of, "I'm sure being in the bath with X is fun but he must be prepared to stop when she is no longer comfortable with it."

If you see any clues at all that your granddaughter is distressed around her father, then do contact a Child Protection Helpline.

I would strongly suggest you seek advice from them before taking any action such as contacting the police.

The website (nspcc.org.uk) is full of information you might find useful - particularly the 'Preventing abuse section'. It may help to dispel your fears to read it through even though - as things stand - the relationship is probably entirely innocent.

My neighbour's early housework routine is really getting to me

Shortly after my husband died, I decided to move to a flat in sheltered housing so I wouldn't be a problem for my family. I've been very happy here for two years but last month, an elderly woman moved into the next flat.

Like me she lives alone but, unlike me, she is very much an early riser. Every morning at 6am she gets up, turns on the radio and starts cleaning her flat using the vacuum cleaner, the dishwasher or maybe the washing machine.

I am usually an even-tempered person but I'm beginning to really resent having my sleep disturbed every day. Why doesn't she realise how inconsiderate this is?

Please don't ask me to get to know her, I don't want to make friends with her, I just want to get some sleep.

I. E.

Fiona says: ‘Have you talked to her about this?

I'm not going to suggest you make friends with her, but I'm certainly going to suggest you speak to her. If she's moved from a house of her own, where she was used to getting her cleaning done in the early morning, she may not have even considered other people.

That's not to suggest she's selfish, just that she's a little thoughtless and not adapted to her new surroundings properly yet. She probably hasn't considered the possibility she's upsetting anyone.

If you don't want to speak to her (which would be my preference), then perhaps send a polite note explaining that you'd appreciate it if she started her chores a little later. as it's disturbing your sleep.

Whether you speak or write though, try not to be confrontational; you don't know her and you don't know her circumstances. You've still got to live next to this lady and nothing will be gained by upsetting her.