Help and Advice
Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers guidance to a young woman whose parents are unwilling to meet her new boyfriend.
My parents are refusing to meet my boyfriend
I'm 17 and unlike a lot of my friends, I've always got on well with my parents.
They've never minded that I've never really conformed, either in the way I dress, do my hair or in my opinions about things - they've seemed happy for me to make up my own mind.
Which is why I'm so confused about their attitude to my new boyfriend. He is really kind, loving and caring and he's the first guy I've been out with who thinks and acts like me. Yes, he's a non-conformist he colours his hair, he plays in a band and goes on demonstrations about things he cares for, like Brexit and the environment.
They didn't mind when I told them about him, or when I showed them his photo. They were due to meet him but then my elder brother saw him at a concert and things fell apart. My brother spoke to my parents and now they've said they don't want me to see him anymore. I have suggested they let me bring him home so they can judge for themselves, but they won't even talk about it.
My boyfriend and I have managed to talk a few times on the phone, and he's said he is willing to do whatever it takes, but my parents just won't listen. I am so miserable and think the only thing I can do now is leave home as soon as I'm 18 to be with him.
S. S.
Fiona says: ‘Have you tried talking to your brother?’
At almost 18, you are old enough to know your own feelings and you clearly think a lot of this young man. At 18, you'll be legally an adult and able to do what you want, regardless of how your parents feel. However, although they won't be able to stop you, they will still care about you (as they obviously do now), so it's worth trying to find out what's gone wrong.
It would be shame if the good relationship you've had with your parents over the years breaks down because of this - especially as you're not being told what the problem is.
If your parents have always been so supportive, their reaction is surprising. That seems to suggest that perhaps your brother saw something serious that worried him, and this has worried your parents too. Have you tried talking to your brother to try and find out what he saw? After all, it's his word that is the cause of the present stalemate between you, your parents and your boyfriend.
I hope I'm wrong, but I rather suspect your brother maybe thought he saw something serious, like drug-taking, for example, which would explain your parent's opposition. However, your brother could have completely misunderstood what he was seeing and as your parents clearly listen to him, it would be good to know what he told them.
If you could get your brother to understand how you feel, then perhaps he'd be willing to meet your boyfriend and get to the bottom of what happened at the concert. Let's hope it was a complete misunderstanding and your boyfriend wasn't doing anything that should cause concern. In which case, your brother might be willing to modify his opposition a bit and at least tell your parents that he was mistaken if he was.
If he won't or can't tell you and won't help, do you have another relative or family-friend that could intercede for you? If nothing you do will make them listen, perhaps you could try writing them a long, reasonable letter, just like the one you sent to me. This might bring matters to a head, but I am sure the last thing they want is for you to leave home when you're still so young.
If, though, your brother gives you a very good reason why he's opposed to your relationship, then do please listen to what he has to say. It may be he hasn't wanted to tell you because he's afraid it will hurt you, but it would seem it's hurting you far more not knowing. If your boyfriend has been doing something serious, that you can understand your parents' and brother's opposition to, it might be worth rethinking how you feel about him.