A look into the future – golf after the lockdown...
This report is written on toilet paper. All the actual paper in the Sankey household has been used for the regular shopping lists but mostly for the ‘To Do ‘lists for Paul Sankey.
First game back was announced, over the internet by Pego Society Captain Brian Barden, who remains Captain for a fourth year, having actually only physically served a few months. He will remain Captain for the foreseeable future as decided in his virtual absence by the Committee members. The present Treasurer remains incognito but declares funds are healthy but we are not sure who holds them, where they are and whether they are offshore?
Our Captain, Brian had responses to his email and we now have a list of members wishing to play, although he did receive the following excuses for not being able to come ... names are withheld to protect the innocent, lazy and fat and those who had no idea who Brian was and rejected his email to spam:
“Sorry I can’t play, none of my golf clothes fit, can I play in my pyjamas?”
“I opened my front door for the first time and I can’t get out, not even sideways!”
“I thought I would never say no to a game of golf, my passion, but I’m now an online gambling addict, a chocaholic and gin alcoholic “
“I’m now a Midsomer Murder addict and I can’t miss the repeats”
“Who are you and whatever you’re selling I already have”
There were numerous responses of, “I can’t remember where I left my clubs?” .. and I would come but my car engine has seized up!”
There were many more stories of hopeless addictions, especially to all the rubbish on TV and Brian has devoted a lot of his time offering his help but this is in between watching repeats of memorable football cup finals he has recorded.
Oliva Nova golf course is now being run by a conglomeration of the marshalls and cleaning staff and luckily one of the green keeping staff who could operate the lawnmower. These were the only people left behind the gates on the day of lockdown as they were still out and about on the course. They organised a coup and are now the new owners setting up a home in the pro shop.
The lone green keeper has cut a furrow through the fourfoot-high grass 6 ft wide along the fairways (this furrow is now known as the fairway) along to the greens. The greens are actually in the best condition they’ve ever been. The green keeper is reported to be proud of this, no divots for years have helped and he shed a few tears once he realised people were going to be allowed in his ‘personal garden ‘ The rough is out of bounds to all the wildlife that have set up home there, these include wild boars (or is that bores?) and the foxes (not sure how they managed to scale the gates?!) and the numerous horses, now grazing in what was the first cut, escaped from the equestrian centre.
Penny and Shaun have put their virtual heads together to work out new playing handicaps for everyone and the game format which will have to take into account the new local rules after the pandemic.
Game format and new local rules
Single Better Yellow Ball with spots (to commemorate pandemic) Texas scramble Match play with yourself.
Buggies will now have satellite control (courtesy of Derek Lindley) for direction and start and stop and will no longer have a fast and sideways move. Malcolm Wise was concerned that the steering wheel was removed but DL stated that this new move was a DL directive and under his control.
Drone, again operated by the increasingly tech savvy DL , will now follow every player (at extraordinary expense to the society and fees will need to be increased to €600 to cover this but the committee hold the members bank details and this will be deducted before your first game back). There will be an automatic D/q for any social interaction at any time and an instant transfer to Montgo Golf Society/Marina Alta is proposed.
It is decreed that there should be NO practice swings on the tee or over your ball at any time during the game. This will speed up the playing time considerably (the committee has decided) a four-hour game should now only take two!
Shotgun start, 18 players with one player only on each tee with a 9 am start. At this point we need someone who has access to a gun for the shotgun start?
Scoring:
1 point for the ball landing on the “fairway “
0 for the rough. Do not retrieve balls from the trees where wild animals now live or from the water as all the ducks and frogs and toads have developed a taste for them!
-1 for water balls
2 points for landing on the green. There will be no holes or flags as it reported that the horses were running towards them thinking the flags were the starter and finishing points and the green keeper was really upset by the hoof divots.
If you finish a hole by landing on the green with the same ball you started with and if you managed to keep two balls playing together well done!
For each 4-hole played. 1 extra point
This is an 18-hole game but it is expected that players will have lost the 20 regulated balls by the ninth hole.
For the purpose of this game and all future games each hole will no longer have a par and the yardage will change depending on the Green Keeper’s mower.
When you have completed game please photograph your scorecard with a selfie and screenshot to Brian for a laugh, and forward to Penny or Shaun for them to compile results.
Remember social distancing so no drink at the bar or sharing chit chat on how your game went. No one will ever know or even care about that hole in one!
It will take some time to compile the results due to the high number of spoilt cards along with a strange combination of numbers. names and incomplete cards and the odd illegal selfie pose, there were some interesting excuses.
“I’m sorry I forgot what I was doing out there and I didn’t have anyone to ask”
“I lost all my balls out there, lost my pencil, lost my mind, “so I marked my card n/r “
Eventually after some deliberation all the players were Dq’d at the discretion of the handicap secretary and the captain. The results were not sent to the local paper DL reported, apart from some of the more interesting selfies.
The empty bottle of gin prize (as a default: rule2:2) goes to the prize secretary who admitted that her gin store was depleted and she owes the stock 455 bottles
A big round of applause to all the players who turned up. No one is sure who they were though, social distancing meant no one saw anyone!!
Hope this gave all golfers a giggle. Stay safe everyone