Are you the South Asian equivalent of a ‘Chinese’ Tiger Mother?

In 2011, American author and Yale Law Professor, Amy Chua published a book named “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother”. Excerpts from this book were published in an article under the headline “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” in the Wall Street Journal on the 8th of January 2011, where she describes in some detail, the relentless effort she made to give her children - what she referred to as - a traditional and strict “Chinese” upbringing. Amongst other things, this included no social life -sleepovers, play dates and boyfriends for her two daughters, but instead consisted of a regimented and disciplined upbringing and very strict guidelines which in her case, resulted in two well adjusted, high achieving grown up daughters.

According to data assembled by Wikipedia, the article generated a huge response and caused much discussion, with contrasting opinions from Time Magazine, The Washington Post, New York Times, Daily Telegraph, Financial Times, MSNBC, parenting clubs, mothers groups and child psychologists around the world. Wikipedia goes on to elaborate that a Tiger Mother or Tiger Mum is “a term which refers to a strict or demanding mother who pushes her children to be successful in education by attaining high levels of scholastic and academic achievement, using methods regarded as typical of childrearing in East Asia, South Asia and Southeast Asia to the detriment of the child’s social, physical, psychological and emotional well-being.... Mothers who set up rules that overstep conventional parental boundaries are regarded as Tiger mothers. Tiger mothers emphasise excellence in academia and award-winning non-academic achievements such as only performing classical music instruments, particularly the piano and violin... some also choosing to incorporate competitive sports for their children...which they believe will increase the chance of the child’s acceptance to the best schools...(and) ‘provide a constant wind beneath their children’s wings’; meaning, Tiger mothers constantly propel their kids towards excellence.” Amy Chua who coined the phrase, uses the term “Tiger Mother” to mean a mother who is a strict disciplinarian.

This brought to mind my own school career and upbringing, and the big changes I witness today amongst parent peers. There are of course exceptions and those who follow a more relaxed approach of ‘going with the flow’, but more often than not I notice parents who seem to be on a relentless quest to mould their children into all studying, sporting, singing, dancing boys and girls, with little regard for the child’s own interests with a fairly heavy hand doing the guiding.

I was entirely Government school educated and brought up in a traditional yet forward thinking household. I was taught to value my culture and the importance of hard work and everything that comes with it, but also to never shy away from a challenge or from trying something new. Extremely high expectations were taken to be the norm when we were in school and I could count many of the country’s ‘best and brightest’ as my peers throughout 13 years of schooling. We were often told that academic achievement was paramount, but I would assume that was also common to most institutions of education in Sri Lanka and particularly Asia, where we prize academic achievement as being of the utmost importance. However, within that framework, there was always the ongoing interest and endless opportunities to be involved in extra and co-curricular activities, should one be so interest- ed. For most people, these ‘other’ activities would come to a standstill around exam time and particularly during the run up to the big ‘O/Level’ & ‘A/Level’ exams.

Our family however, was a little different. The general emphasis in our household and the measure for success, was not solely based on academic achievement, but on being an ‘all rounder’. The mantra in our home was always about the merits of striving to be ‘an academic achiever, with a penchant for outdoor sports and a healthy interest in the arts.’ Whilst this was by no means unique to my family, it was the guiding principle that governed our school careers. I like to think my brother and I both fulfilled our potential in this sense and whilst due credit must go to our respective schools for giving us the framework within which to do so, the ultimate credit must go to our parents. They gave us the unconditional support, guidance, freedom and confidence to make our own way through this minefield of various activities and achievements: they encouraged, but never pushed; advised, but never got involved in coercing or cajoling the powers-that-be and basically always formed the strongest of safety nets, but never - EVER - interfered. Quite different from the picture that I see being painted by many friends and acquaintances, of the current status quo, at various institutions of education.

In general, parents of young children (about to embark on their own respective journeys into the world of institutionalised education) reflect upon their own experiences in order to piece together and define what they feel is the ‘best’ education for their children. In many ways it may work best if we can be mothers who give our children every opportunity to become the best that they can be, but to draw the line at trying to live our own dreams and fulfil our own ambitions through them. To endeavour to encourage, guide, steer and even cajole them when necessary, with a firm but gentle hand, but not to “Tiger mother” one’s way through, despite even the occasional instinct one may have to WANT to replace ‘gentle’ with ‘pushy.’”

I would like to think that in the end, most of us want to know that we have done the best we can to give our children an all rounded, fun and happy experience of school and their childhood. To teach them that school and extra activities are about getting an ‘Education’ and not simply about excelling at exams and winning awards; That there is no substitute for hard work; To try, try and try again if they fail; and that if they really want something badly enough and are willing to work hard to achieve it, nothing is beyond their reach.

In “Tiger Mums: fierce or foolish?” Lakshmi Singh quotes Dr. Shailja Chaturvedi, a psychiatrist and President of the Australian Indian Medical Graduates Association, who regularly warns against pushing children too hard. She sums it up beautifully, by urging parents to take a balanced approach and raise an “all rounder” who is equipped to deal with the unpredictable challenges of life. Not a “socially and emotionally inept scientist who can only travel to the moon.”

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