Critical Dialogue: Conversation with a purpose

“I think it is time I ask my boss for a promotion. It’s been four years. I have sacrificed much for this job. I sincerely think I deserve it as I am already doing the work of a manager at the moment,” says Sumal.

“You should. What’s the problem?” asks his colleague from a different department.

“It’s not that easy; I am not used to asking for things. We have a good relationship now. I don’t want to spoil it in any way; but having said that, I feel demotivated because I don’t feel appreciated,” adds Sumal with frustration.

“Well, it’s time for that crucial conversation don’t you think? No one remembers the cowards,” says his colleague.

Asking for a promotion from your boss in the next performance management discussion? Convincing someone to leave or to stay? Winning a contract with a client or closing a sale? These are all critical conversations. Persuading someone to go out with you on a date or even break up with you? That conversation to describe, explain and reconcile the differences in a relationship? That very first meeting with your in-laws? These are all critical conversations.

So why is it that despite knowing that a conversation is critical in advance, we often fail in convincing the other party; saying the wrong thing in the wrong place at the wrong time, not understanding the emotional state of the other party nor ours to begin with? The post- regret- stress, the ‘should have’s, the ‘would have’s and the ‘could have’s; we’ve all been through it at some stage in our lives.

Generally, during a highly important conversation, we are biologically alert to protect ourselves rather than to be rational in our exchange of thoughts. We know that a conversation is crucial when our/their emotions are strong, we/they expect someone to disagree or agree with the other, or when the outcome can greatly impact our/their life. According to research, some of the reasons for handling critical conversations poorly are (1) biology: high adrenaline, high blood flow to arms and legs (prompting one to either fight or flee), and low blood flow to brain, (2) situations rising without warning, thereby catching us by surprise leading to confusion: the situations that require us to improvise, often without rehearsal time with limited information.

Research suggests that success on a critical conversation relies on the ability to communicate openly about difficult topics. Conversations that are crucial should neither be rushed into, nor avoided completely. People become defensive not because of the content of the dialogue, but because of the intent they think the dialogue is about.

One of the most important steps we need to achieve before a vital conversation is to identify what needs to be said first, as it sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. The first 30 seconds are crucial - where mutual trust needs to be created by showing that we care about them. Show respect through body language and be convinced that what you are asking is not unfair by anyone. Focus on what you want, and in the conversational flow of the relevant information, hold on to what you want without withholding your opinion or arguing against others opinions. State your path and explore the paths of others. Being involved in a dialogue without fighting back allows the conversation to be safe. It is important that you maintain a safe atmosphere if you want to be heard.

Apologise and empathise if others feel disrespected in the conversation, and look for a mutual purpose that will motivate them to listen to your concerns. When you are at the stage of making decisions, make sure that it is not driven by one individual agenda, but by an outcome of a mutual agreement. Finally, note the commitments, take responsibility of the promises you make, and move to action.

In most of today’s world, where leaders are smart, confident, and highly paid, people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk infuriating someone in a state of such power. This is also common in a collectivist society like ours where many of us keep quiet or unwillingly agree to decisions made by others, leading to a sense of helplessness. This ‘learned helplessness’ over a period of time gives way to a very authoritative culture.

One does not have to be an extrovert, out-going and domineering to be able to carry out effective conversations. Ask yourself before you enter the conversation; what do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want from this relationship? How would I behave if I am really keen on the results that I want?

Think; be logical, rational and realistic. Be conscious of the emotions involved without being enslaved by them. Identify the role of emotions in your expression, but be above the emotion; it is then that you would be able to regulate and manage the emotions that can rise within the conversation. It is tough till you master it but practise is everything.

(Rozaine is a Business Psychologist specialised in organisational culture analytics and HR Coaching. She can be contacted on rozaine@forte.lk)