How do you solve a problem like Diana
Questions raised in court and parliament over her citizenship status
Not even two months after her ritzy plans to turn Colombo into an adults playground at night was goofed up by a tepid response, you couldn’t keep down Lanka’s ‘grow more ganja’ Tourism State Minister, Diana Gamage, from cocking a snook at her envious critics.
The latest project to flare her imagination to generate billions of dollars to the country’s coffers was to turn arid Mattale into a magical wonderland for the entire family of tourists. It certainly was a far cry better than another one of her plans to bring down an upcoming band from India on a self-promotion tour to play a gig in Jaffna to make the Lankans dance. Diana said: ‘They did it in the Maldives. Now they will do it here.’
Proactive Diana planned to put Lanka on the Disneyworld map and was to fly to the US this month to woo Mickey Mouse and his sweetheart Minnie, and his pals Donald Duck, Goofy, Pluto, and the rest of Walt’s gang to play host to thousands each day in a USD 18 billion Disney project in Mattale’s vicinity.
Alas, it was goofed up and proved a non-starter when Walt Disney Company promptly reacted, stating it was totally unaware of any such project. But though this USD18b dream may have gone up in smoke before Mickey could say, ‘Oh gee’, along with the rest of her ambitious projects to channel rivers of dollars to flood Sri Lanka’s ‘drought parched’ economic lands, one plan survived the fire.
On Monday, just a sniff of the President’s budget proposal to explore the possibility of cultivating ‘Triloka Vijaya Patha’, the exalted indigenous name for what is commonly called on the streets as ganja or marijuana, was enough to transport ‘Grow Ganja’ pusher Diana into a reverie.
A thoroughly elated Diana exclaimed: “I am very happy that the President has realised the value of this medicinal herb. This is why I promoted it. I am hoping to bring in investments worth over two billion dollars through cannabis plantation next year.’
Such is Dynamic Diana’s efficiency that even without the first weed planted, she has already conjured up visions of instantly bringing over two billion dollars in foreign direct investments next year. Her financial instincts and her perseverance had paid off to put her critics to shame.
Millions of worldwide Triloka Vijaya Patha users, including the locals, who swear by this substance’s immense medicinal properties to deliver instant relief to their individualistic medical ailments, will no doubt, be thankful to Diana who, just to ensure they know at whose door to lay the fragrant joint of gratitude, told the Daily Mirror, ‘I made this proposal first, some time back.’
It was Diana’s hour of exoneration. Her rewarding moment of redemption. Ever since she double-crossed her party, the SJB -which had nominated her to occupy its vacant national seat -- to embrace her hero Gotabaya’s cheer squad in the government’s ranks, she had made ‘grow ganja’ as her signature jingle.
Yes, there were times, she surely knew, she’d bitten off more than she could chew but through it all, there ne’er was doubt, to eat it up or spit it out, she faced it all, and she stood tall, and did it her way to make ganja bloom in Lanka. Yes, it was Di’s way.
No mean feat for a single woman to pursue so relentless her fight to win for so tabooed a plant, the right to flower on endemic soil in native Lanka. Yet she succeeded at the end of her two-year battle to dismantle much-hailed cultural barriers that had barred for so long the country’s quest for wealth.
Her triumph is more spectacular and the sacrifices she made for the country’s sake even more admirable when it now appears she may have waged her epic battle for the benefit of a country no longer her own.
Last Thursday a magistrate’s court slapped a travel ban on Diana after a private complaint was lodged at court, claiming that she -- never mind whether she was a dual or sole citizen -- was not a citizen at all of Lanka.
The Colombo Chief Magistrate ordered the CID to immediately investigate whether she is remaining in Lanka without a valid visa, and submit a progress report to the court.
That afternoon in Parliament, a fiery Diana gave a bravura performance in which, instead of nailing the citizenship canard with a simple ‘yes’ as answer, she asked the House, why she was singled out and her citizenship questioned, when there were other MPs who were dual citizens in Parliament.
For some inexplicable reason best known to herself, she went as far back as the 500ADs to refer to Mahavamsa’s fabled founder of the Sinhala race. She said: ‘If we’re going to talk on my citizenship issue further, we’ll have to talk of Prince Vijaya who came from Bangladesh. But why stop there? What about the Buddha?’
What Vijaya and the Buddha had to do with Diana’s citizenship issue does perplex the mind, and is anyone’s guess. According to the chronicled legend, the Buddha came from India on three flying visits to preach while Vijaya stumbled onto Lanka through serendipity and ended up lording the land by strategic design.
On Monday, while Diana was still in elation at the budget’s ‘ganja’ good news, the Daily Mirror reporter put a damper on her high spirits by questioning her on the citizenship issue. Her terse reply was, “I don’t want to talk about the dual citizenship now as the matter lies with the judiciary.”
Pity. Instead of coming clear – as she should have done in Parliament last Thursday – with an answer straight from the heart, affirming that she is a citizen of Sri Lanka, which would have done much to dispel the disquiet, Diana lobbed the ball to a different court.
Why? It’s not sub judice to maintain one’s innocence at any forum even while it’s challenged in court. Or is changing citizenships as forgettably common as the sari she wore last morning, that she needs an external source to jog her memory? Or has her credibility sunk so low in the public eye, she needs a judge to vouch her word?
The Colombo Magistrate on Thursday granted time to the CID to submit its report and extended the travel ban on Diana to December 15. On Friday, the Court of Appeal, with regard to the writ petition filed to revoke Diana’s parliamentary membership, listed November 28 as date for submissions and ordered notice to be issued to her and 15 other respondents.
If these allegations are proved in court, the fallout will be enormous; and the collateral damage will be hard to contain from spreading and staining the entire body politic. It would also reveal Diana as an imposter, a tourist who had arrived in Lanka and outstayed her visa while pretending to be a citizen.
How an illegal immigrant could have been appointed by SJB to parliament, how the SLPP could have so readily embraced her to government ranks, and how she could have been appointed as State Minister of Tourism, will forever boggle the people’s mind; and expose the state intelligence services for appalling lapses.
If, however, the court finds otherwise, then this ‘grow ganja’ activist, this promotor of a hedonist style dusk-to-dawn night life for paradise, this adventist who believes in the first coming of Disney’s Mickey Mouse to Mattale, Diana will have the last laugh. Yes, she would have earned her redemption, her way.