Life on the other side of mature age divorce

The instance of mature couples divorcing is on the rise. Are over 50s less inclined to stay together?

“Life is too short to be angry, or sad, or lonely, or resentful, or unfulfilled,” Kate Christie says

“I went through this process of feeling like my future had been stolen from me,” says 53-year-old Kate Christie about the end of her 22-year marriage. “He said to me, ‘I don’t love you any more. I want to leave our marriage.’ And that was that.”

“I felt blindsided. I was angry, upset and resentful.”

Christie is one of a growing number of over 50s navigating life after separation and divorce.

“[There’s] definitely an uptick in mature age divorces compared to even 10 years ago,” says clinical psychologist, Dr Rashika Gomez.

Dr Gomez has also noticed an increase in the number of those in mature marriages seeking relationship advice. “They’re seeking that outside opinion on [whether] something is wrong, because you can’t see it when you’re in it.”

It was a counsellor that helped Brodie* see her rollercoaster marriage for what it was – emotional abuse. Family and friends were shocked Brodie was calling it quits after 32 years. “We were known as the golden couple.” She shakes her head. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

Despite her experience, she is not anti-relationships or antimarriage. “But I can assure you I will never have anyone live with me again. I’d rather be on my own than unhappy,” she insists. “I’ve got my friends. I’ve got my sons.”

Recently divorced, Raymond* is grateful he has the support of a boatload of good friends, but the 71-year-old longs for that special someone. “A lot of people think friends are enough. But I don’t think they are. You’ve got to have someone special that turns into a partner.” After 24 years of marriage, he thought he had that person, but the fear and uncertainty circulating during the pandemic tipped the relationship upside down. The final straw came after restrictions eased.

Dr Gomez describes the point Raymond reached as a “threshold,” a common reason those in mature marriages suddenly say “I can’t do this any more”.

Relationship therapist Clinton Power agrees reaching a threshold is when couples may see separation and divorce as inevitable. “Sometimes if there’s been a lot of hurt or betrayal or there’s an enormous distance from growing apart, the idea of working on the relationship feels more overwhelming than separating and starting anew.”

The lack of a shared focus or a realisation that the couple has fewer common interests are key contributors to mature age separation. It often occurs at the time the couple’s children reach early adulthood or leave home.

Another is midlife, when individuals in a relationship may undergo significant personal change or question the direction of their lives. “That’s when I see some individuals in a relationship start to think, ‘hang on, I’m not completely happy here,’,” says Power.

“If you look at life expectancy, for example, in the past, people didn’t live as long as we’re living now. Now we’re hitting 90, 100, with relatively fewer issues. So when you’re hitting your 50s, you’re no longer looking at 15 years more with someone you might find annoying, or you don’t get along with, you’re now looking at another 50 years with someone like that,” says Dr Gomez. “And that can feel really confronting, and overwhelming, and you just might not want to do that any more.”

Many mature aged couples aim for a “good uncoupling” so that they can maintain a healthy relationship.

With his divorce finalised earlier this year, Raymond and his ex are rebuilding their friendship. “I can’t see the point in being angry with anybody. All it does is eat you away. Life’s too short.”

Christie agrees: “Life is too short to be angry, or sad, or lonely, or resentful, or unfulfilled.”

Raymond is also dating again. But he’s found mature aged dating challenging. “There are a ton of nice ladies out there, but once bitten, twice shy.”

Many mature aged couples aim for a “good uncoupling” so that they can maintain a healthy relationship.