Renter hesitates to act on violence next door

Dear Abby: I am renting a room in the house of the mother of a friend of mine. The house is also shared with my friend’s younger sister, who is in a relationship with another woman. Their relationship is pretty violent. The other night I was in my room, which is located next to the sister’s room, and could hear her beating up on her girlfriend.

The mother is aware of the situation and has threatened to call the police if she doesn’t stop, but she never does. I’m afraid if I say or do something, I’ll be asked to leave since it isn’t my house, even though I pay rent. What should I do?

Renter In Laredo, Texas

Dear Renter: If you have a written lease for the room you’re renting, you cannot be evicted without cause. Talk to the mother and tell her that if she doesn’t call the police when her daughter starts beating up on her girlfriend, you will. And if it happens again, follow through. If you do, the daughter may get the help she so obviously needs, and her victim will have a chance to get some help through domestic violence counselling.

Nothing left to say

Dear Abby: I have seen letters in your column about insensitive, thoughtless remarks made by others about loss and grief. It has been my experience, though, that no one can ever say just the right thing. There are several stages of grief, and one never knows for sure which level the bereaved has reached. Therefore, any comment will most likely be the wrong one.

My advice is if you don’t know what to say, state the obvious — “Gee, I don’t know what to say.” Hold the person’s hand briefly. Don’t hug unless initiated. Take your cue from the person grieving. But remarking, “He’s in a better place,” “It’s probably for the best,” or “He was in so much pain” is wrong. The bereaved can say these things, but for you to do so seems like passing judgement.

“I don’t know what to say” works for divorce, break-ups or any catastrophic event. It has worked for me countless times. I have said nothing offensive, but left the door open for the friend or relative to engage in some much-needed venting. I hope my experience helps someone.

Diplomatic Out West

Dear Diplomatic: Well said. You are indeed a diplomat.

Not for me

Dear Abby: What are the best words to use when you realise the psychotherapist you recently began therapy with isn’t the right one for you? Should the words be said in person, over the phone in his voicemail or in writing? I want to get this over with as soon as possible and start looking for someone who may better suit me and my issues. Looking For The Right One In New

Jersey

Dear Looking: The words are, “This isn’t working for me, and I won’t be coming back.” Be sure to tell the person why. Your message can be conveyed face-toface, left as a phone message or be put in writing. The choice is yours.

No gratitude

Dear Abby: My daughter and her husband have successful careers. But now it seems that she’s ashamed of us. We gave her the best we could and she graduated from college with no debt, thanks to us.

Now that they earn lots of money, it’s like we’re not worthy of their company. I have talked to other mothers, and it seems they are treated the same way. I know they have busy lives, but I would like some consideration if I am sick or have surgery.

Anonymous Mum In Alabama

Dear Anonymous Mum: Not knowing you and your friends or their children, it’s hard to say, but a guess would be that you gave too much and raised children who grew up with an overinflated sense of entitlement and no sense of gratitude.