Sister triggers post-traumatic stress disorder

Dear Annie: I was severely abused, physically and emotionally, when I was growing up, mostly by my mother and older sister. After many years of therapy, I have turned my life around and finally am able to feel like a worthwhile person.

The trouble is, my older sister continues to be verbally abusive every time we get together, which, fortunately, is not too often. I recently bit the bullet and tried again, getting together with her and my two other sisters.

Sure enough, “Betty” took the opportunity to taunt and yell at me, and ended up swinging her fists at me. This resulted in a PTSD episode for me.

I’ve finally decided to have nothing further to do with Betty, but it leaves me with feelings of guilt, since she is my sister. Am I justified in cutting off our relationship?

Tired of Being Abused

Dear Tired: Yes. Your abusive mother obviously left Betty with some anger issues of her own, but being related to someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with abuse. Ever. You were wise to get therapy so that you could improve your life. It might help to ask your therapist to work on developing coping strategies for situations that could be triggers for you. Overcoming abuse can be an ongoing process.

Real wedding

Dear Annie: I had to respond to “Confused Family Member”, whose niece is having a large wedding several months after a civil ceremony.

My husband and I, as have many of our close friends, had a civil ceremony prior to a larger wedding for family and friends. Members of the military do this quite frequently due to deployments and schedules.

I have heard of other reasons, like couples waiting for immigration papers and couples who cannot have a church wedding for several months and prefer not to “live in sin”.

We just recently celebrated my son’s wedding a year after the couple was married by a judge at their duty station. It is because of responses by people like “Confused” that many of us try to keep it a secret so our guests believe they are coming to the “real” wedding.

When I married, the church ceremony meant more to me than the civil ceremony, and it is the same with my daughter-in-law. Every bride wants to have her special day and it usually doesn’t mean standing in front of a judge with a couple of witnesses.

The bigger wedding is a way for two families to get together and share in the joy of this newly married couple. The fact that they weren’t able to pull the party off until a year after the “first” marriage shouldn’t detract from the celebration.

Two Wedding Anniversaries

Dear Two: Thank you for giving reasonable explanations for treating a second ceremony in a more compassionate way.

Husband never listens

Dear Annie: I am at my wits’ end when it comes to my husband’s behaviour. Whenever my opinion does not coincide with his, he plugs his ears, walks away or filibusters.

I have reached the point where I refrain from giving my opinion since every time I do, he accuses me of trying to start a fight. How can I make him see how destructive his ear plugging is to our marriage?

Lonesome Wife

Dear Lonesome: We know two-yearolds who behave with more maturity than your husband. Is there someone he respects (a relative, friend, clergyperson) who would referee for the two of you and make it clear that married couples have a responsibility to listen to one another?

A spouse who disagrees with your opinion is welcome to say so, calmly and respectfully. But plugging one’s ears or otherwise preventing you from expressing yourself is childish and damaging.

If your husband won’t listen to any third-party suggestions, please get some counselling and see whether you can find different ways to cope — or whether you want to.