Not in front of the children, if you please

December is the time of the year when awards are handed out for novels and other literary efforts. However, there is one prize that most authors would rather not win — the Bad Sex in Fiction Award. It’s an annual honour for particularly awful presentations of sexual encounters.

The 2015 winner is the British singer Morrissey, better known for his work with rock band The Smiths. His debut novel, List of the Lost, particularly impressed judges with his description of a couple which “rolled together in one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation”.

There was also a reference to a “bulbous salutation”.

A deserved winner I would say, although I’m not so sure about the “giggling snowball”.

Because of the delicate content, the efforts of most of Morrissey’s literary rivals cannot be reproduced here. Worthy of an honourable mention is Fates and Furies by Lauren Goff, in which at a crucial moment a gentleman “shut his eyes and thought of mangoes, split papayas, fruits tart and sweet and dripping with juice …”

Well, you get the idea. It brings to mind the old quote: “Lie back and think of England.”

Grunts and squeaks

After that, there is little choice but to have a look at some past winners … if you can face it.

Iain Hollingshead was the unfortunate author in 2006 with his novel Twenty Something. What caught the eye of the judges was a moment when a couple were getting together in “a commotion of grunts and squeaks”. However it was rumoured that what sealed the win was a reference to “bulging trousers”.

The previous year’s winner was Giles Coren, with his novel Winkler, in which he likens a male character’s appendage to a shower hose. For the sake of decency I will spare you that. Also entertaining was Wendy Perriam’s 2002 offering Tread Softly, which features “pin-stripe genitalia”.

Poles apart

My favourite remains the 2001 winner, Rescue Me by Christopher Hart, who appears to be on an offbeat Arctic expedition: “Her hand is moving away from my knee and leading north. Heading unnervingly and with a steady will toward the pole. Ever northward moves her hand … And when she reaches the north pole, I think in wonder and terror — she will surely want to pitch her tent.”

A beauty for every occasion

Well, enough of that stuff and back to reality — and we know truth is stranger than fiction, especially in the Land of Smiles (or should it be grimaces these days?)

One thing you can always rely on is that no matter what crisis surfaces, the next beauty contest is not far away. It’s all very reassuring.

And this weekend we have a cracker in Ratchaburi, where they are celebrating the annual pork festival to mark National Swine Day. As reported in Spectrum last Sunday, at the end of it all, some lucky lady will be holding the revered title of the Swine Queen (Thepee Sugorn).

As you may have gathered, this is not your normal beauty pageant. For a start, all contestants must be more than 90 kilogrammes. Still, if everybody has fun, the best of luck to them. At least there won’t be any of those annoying farang noses that tend to dominate some of the more established beauty pageants.

Pretty porkers

Pork-related beauty contests are nothing new of course. In Chiang Mai for many years they have held the Thida Larb Muang pageant.

The contestants are charming, although it doesn’t sound quite so appealing when translated roughly as “Miss Cooked Pork and Fresh Pigs Blood”.

That would go down well in the Miss Universe or Miss World contests. Just imagine the host: “And now from Thailand, fresh from her triumph as Miss Cooked Pork …”

Toads and tortoises

Thailand must be one of the few countries that still takes beauty contests seriously. These pageants do have their moments, though. Invariably there are allegations of a fix — the very thought! And on one memorable occasion, a crestfallen losing beauty had the temerity to snatch the tiara from the head of the winner.

But it is the more obscure beauty contests that are definitely the best fun. A friend swears he witnessed a Miss Toad pageant in Buri Ram, while there have been a number of Miss Grasshopper contests and even a Miss Tortoise.

In the Northeast, Miss Sticky Rice pageants abound. Just about every tropical fruit sparks a beauty contest, from Miss Durian to Miss Mango, although arguably the most eye-catching is Miss Watermelon.

Beautiful jams

It would be remiss not to mention the lady who started it all, Apasara Hongsakul, who in 1965 became Thailand’s first Miss Universe winner.

Apasara’s victory gave her goddess status in Thailand and a crowd of 150,000 lined the streets to greet her in Bangkok when she returned from New York.

It created the worst traffic jam in Bangkok’s history, alas a record since broken many times … including a couple of days this past week. But at least we have “happiness jams” these days.

Speaking of which, the metropolitan police chief has been given three months to solve Bangkok’s traffic gridlock. Well, the best of luck with that one mate.

Even the Gentleman in Dubai had to admit defeat on this topic. What was it again — traffic jams to be solved in six months, no problem.

Well, it sounded good at the time.