My wife needs to stop rescuing her alcoholic sister

Dear Annie: My wife’s sister is an alcoholic. Now in her early 60s, “Petunia” lost her high-paying job five years ago because of her drinking. She has been depressed and unemployed ever since. She tried three expensive, high-class treatment centres and each time has relapsed within days of leaving. Petunia lives alone and pays someone (we don’t know who) to bring her liquor every day.

The rest of the family has given up on her. My wife, however, keeps calling, bringing her groceries and doing whatever else she can to keep Petunia from drinking herself to death. Frankly, it’s costing us a lot of money that I think we should be saving for our own retirements. But more than that, I am concerned that my wife is spending all her time and energy helping her sister while neglecting our home, our children, our grandchildren and me.

I’ve told her that I want her to seek professional advice so she can learn the best way to deal with her alcoholic sister before spending more effort on these futile rescue efforts. She says that won’t help Petunia.

My wife is very smart about most things. I know she loves her sister, but why can’t she step back and accept professional guidance?

Sober Husband

Dear Sober: Your wife’s reaction is emotional, not rational. And it’s also possible that your wife has a small martyr complex and likes being the only one willing to sacrifice for her sister. But taking care of Petunia’s needs while she continues to drink is a form of enabling. If your wife truly wants to “save” her sister, she should accompany Petunia to her next doctor’s appointment and ask about newer medications that have shown some success in treating alcoholism.

Frosty send-off

Dear Annie: For many years, I’ve wanted to move to a warmer climate. Now that my husband is retired, it has become a possibility and I’m in Arizona scouting it out while I rent an apartment. My problem is, I’m very hurt that not a single relative has made any effort to call, text or email to say “bon voyage”.

The holiday season is here, and my husband would like me to return. Unless I completely avoid everyone, how do I deal with seeing them? Should I pretend it doesn’t bother me, even though it hurts beyond words?

No Warmth Here

Dear No: We aren’t sure why you are so upset. Have you actually relocated, or are you simply checking the place out for a future move? As long as you maintain a home where your relatives live, they think you are still around and they will get to see you. If you actually pull up roots and move, they will probably wish you a fond farewell. Especially, if you schedule a goodbye party and make it official.

When you return for the holidays, greet them as warmly as you have in the past. Mention that you’ll be moving soon and will miss them. If they still don’t respond, then you can say that you are hurt that no one seems to care.

Missing items

Dear Annie: What should one do if family and friends come from out of the area to visit, and when they leave, you see that some of your items are missing? I’m not talking about money and jewellery. I’m talking about good feather pillows and objects of art that are treasured, as well as other little things and knick-knacks that are less valuable.

When I asked the suspected perpetrators about the items, they all denied taking them. So I give up, even though I don’t believe what they have told me. Who can I trust? Is there any way to get them back, or to prevent such things from being taken the next time? I feel betrayed, but don’t want to lose friendships.

A Mom And Grandmother

Dear Mom: Feather pillows? Perhaps you need to check the size of their luggage. Let’s start by giving them the benefit of the doubt. Is it possible that you moved these items elsewhere and forgot? It happens more often than we care to admit. And if it happens every single time you have any overnight guest, you may want to speak to your doctor. The problem may be coming from your end.

Friends who steal should not be invited back to stay overnight. Instead, recommend a nearby hotel and offer to meet them for dinner. You can do the same with relatives if you choose.

We know that children and grandchildren often fall into a different category. Those who are already under suspicion should know that you plan to check their rooms for missing items before they leave because things get misplaced and you’d hate to accuse them of anything.

Those who contemplate stealing will hopefully be warned and not repeat their misdeeds. You also should lock up any items of particular value.

But if someone continues to steal, consider that it could be a mental health issue and suggest they get professional help. This is obviously a very sensitive subject, but ultimately you can’t have something like this happening again. It will end relationships for good.