A family with issues

Dear Annie: My father-in-law and mother-in-law died a couple of years ago, months apart from each other. When it came to settling the estate, the will stated in clear and precise terms that everything was to be divided 50-50 between my sister-in-law, “Jackie”, and my wife. We did as they requested.

A few months later, Jackie contacted my wife saying she had discovered US$110,000 (3.6 million baht) in cash stashed away in their parents’ house. (My father-in-law had a distrust of banks, given that he grew up during the Depression and he told me that he always kept a large amount of money handy for “financial emergencies”.) My wife was given her share of the cash, $55,000. The found money was timely because my daughter was getting married and we had some bills of our own that needed paying.

A year later, Jackie contacted my wife to say that we need to return the $55,000 because that money was “promised” to her by my in-laws for building them a house.

My wife refused to return the money, not only because we don’t believe Jackie but because we can’t afford to withdraw this from our savings account. As a result, Jackie has written letters and sent text messages that are very nasty and hurtful.

Her tirades are now bordering on harassment. We have asked her to stop sending text messages and to call us or meet in person instead, but she refuses. Recently, my wife reached out to Jackie with an olive branch on Jackie’s birthday, sending a nice card with a beautiful message. In return, Jackie sent back the card and enclosed in it a four-page letter that was extremely hurtful.

I thought about reaching out to her husband, “Leon”, but he’s very unstable, too. Their son, who is in college but can’t drive because of previous accidents, called us crying the other day because his father is threatening suicide because he is tired of driving his son everywhere. You can’t make this stuff up.

We are very concerned about Jackie’s mental health. My wife, daughter and I believe that Jackie needs counselling to get a better grip on reality. I am also concerned about my wife, who is taking all of this very hard. Family Feuding

Dear Feuding: I’ll start with the two people you and your wife can control: you and your wife. This familial stress is negatively impacting her health, and it sounds as if it’s doing a number on yours, too. Make your own mental health a priority and consider attending some counselling.

Now, I also believe that Jackie would benefit from therapy. But until she believes that herself, there’s little you can do. You might be able to get help for her husband, whether he wants it or not, however. Laws vary by state. When a person threatens to kill himself, it’s always best to take him seriously.

Try to be there as much as you can for your nephew. Maybe you could give him a ride once or twice a week. This would alleviate some of the pressure his father is evidently feeling, but more importantly, it would show your nephew that he’s not alone. It sounds as if he is bearing the brunt of his parents’ issues and could use some help.

Take the high road

Dear Annie: My conflicts with my sister, “Amy”, began when she crossed boundaries in an incident between our adult children. My daughter, “Leslie”, decided that she no longer wanted to live in an apartment she shared with Amy’s daughter. Amy’s daughter, in turn, chastised Leslie and me, using vulgarity. Amy took her daughter’s side and blamed us.

The conflicts then continued when it was time to settle our parents’ estate. She refused to give me my inheritance. Her lawyer, who is a friend of hers, is biased and will not abide by the will, which says that all “should be fair and equitable”. Nothing has been equitable for me. I left my job to care for my mother until her death. Amy did very little.

There are so many more problems between us. Amy is a narcissist. She has no respect for boundaries. She lashes out at others constantly. She talks poorly about everyone (family included) and passes judgment on everyone except her own children. She does nothing for others unless there is something in it for herself. She says, often and proudly, “I make other people do my dirty work.”

She is toxic and has never apologised to me for anything, and I know she never will. She invites my family to her family events and pretends there is no problem. I have stayed clear of some family functions when she has been there. I have my own family events and have no desire to invite her or her adult children.

I have endured her bullying for many years but can no longer do it without losing my self-respect. I remain conflicted about this but don’t want to be drawn into her chaos. I am done with taking the high road. Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: I think the high road is a good place to be if you’re trying to gain distance from your sister; her route seems considerably lower. Don’t let her drag you into that gutter. If you’re concerned about getting your inheritance, hire your own lawyer to advocate for you so you don’t have to battle it out yourself. Keep her out of your life, and don’t involve yourself with hers. Loving her from afar might be the only way for you to love her.