A little bonus for the Laughing Policeman

Following last month’s item concerning the Charles Penrose (Jolly) song The Laughing Policeman, a reader pointed out that I omitted a vital verse which suggests that our “jolly, red-faced man” not only liked a good laugh on his beat but was also not averse to a few backhanders if given the opportunity.

The pertinent lyrics are: “So if you chance to meet him/ While walking ‘round the town/ Shake him by his fat old hand/ And give him half a crown/ His eyes will beam and sparkle/ He’ll gurgle with delight/ And then you’ll start him laughing/ With all his blessed might.”

Remember, this is a British bobby we’re talking about, not Bangkok’s boys in brown. Half a crown was worth a bit when the song was recorded back in the 1920s and would have kept the happy copper in beer for a week. Incidentally, if you haven’t heard The Laughing Policeman, you can find it on YouTube — it’s tremendous fun.

For those unfamiliar with the old British currency before decimalisation in 1971, the half crown, or two shillings and sixpence, was an eighth of a pound. I have particularly happy memories of the coin because when I visited my auntie she often gave me a half crown, probably just to get rid of me.

Other side of the coin

When I left England in 1969, the pound, shillings and pence system was still in operation, so I fondly remember the old coinage. Well, some of it. You couldn’t really buy anything with a farthing and shopkeepers were less than pleased if you gave them four farthings for a pennyworth of sweets. The farthing was about as useful as the satang coins are now in Thailand.

The halfpenny (pronounced “haypny”) was again of little use but had a nice sound to it. It also prompted the rather quaint expression “tuppence ha’penny worth”, meaning giving an opinion that really isn’t worth much. Sports fans are regularly reminded of the coin when they see Wales and Lions rugby star Leigh Halfpenny performing.

I also remember the joy of possessing a threepenny-bit, which in the mid 1950s was enough to go down the local chippy and buy a bag of chips swamped in vinegar.

Ode to a sixpence

The sixpence or “tanner” was a favourite for parents to give kids just to shut them up. It also became the coin of choice for putting in the annual Christmas pudding, supposedly bringing you luck, unless you happened to swallow it. In 1967 singer Tommy Steele had a huge hit with the musical Half a Sixpence in which he sang “half a sixpence is better than half a penny”.

There was also a nursery rhyme featuring a loving husband that summed up the important role of the sixpence and the simplicity of life in Britain in the old days: “I love sixpence, jolly jolly sixpence, I love sixpence better than my life/ I spent a penny of it/ I lent a penny of it/ And I took fourpence home to my wife.”

The priceless shilling

At home in the 1950s we had an electricity meter and periodically the house would plunge into darkness when the meter ran out. Being the youngest, I was assigned to put the shilling in the meter as it was located in a very awkward spot under the stairs. Attempting to achieve this when the house was in pitch darkness was particularly hazardous and involved suffering some bumps on the head, which might explain a few things.

We had a special brown clay pot on the mantelpiece in which to store the shillings for feeding the meter. But sometimes the pot was empty and I had to go next door to borrow a shilling. This was not as easy as it sounds as the neighbours were also very reluctant to give up their precious shillings.

Thus I grew up to regard the shilling as the most valuable coin in the realm. It was definitely worth much more than its face value. A shilling was not for spending but for “putting in the pot”. It was the difference between darkness and light, freezing and warmth. I admit to spending the occasional shilling coin on sweets, but always with a deep sense of guilt, feeling I had let the family down, knowing the coin really belonged in the pot.

Penny for your thoughts

Pride of place among the old English coinage must go to the dear old penny, which is of course still in existence as “pence” or more often simply “p”. Its influence is such that there are more than 50 penny idioms or sayings still in common use. Everyone is familiar with expressions like “penny for your thoughts”, “pennies from heaven” and “bad penny” from which we got the first jazz song I ever liked, Humphrey Littleton’s Bad Penny Blues. We should also mention 007’s Miss Moneypenny, who admittedly is not an idiom but is nonetheless a delightful name.

Caught in limbo

Then, of course, there is “spend a penny”, a euphemism for going to the toilet, although it’s more like 30p now. I still remember the malodorous public convenience in Reading market where you had to put a penny in the slot to use a stall. If you were lucky, there was a bit of graffiti for entertainment. One that always amused me was “Beware of limbo dancers”.