Finding Mr Right
Are female expats in Bangkok looking for love in the wrong place?
Valentine’s Day or not, is Bangkok a romantic city for foreigners passing through? Many have found true love, or versions of it, amid the chaos of traffic or night-time excursions. But the experience is certainly different between male and female expats. For expat women living in the City of Angels — unlike their male counterparts — dating and finding “the one” can be more devilish than heavenly.
Perhaps Bangkok’s tortured dating record, like other big cities, is linked to its transient vibe. Traffic jams and hectic work schedules prevent people from meeting up, and tourists and expats constantly move in and out of the city. Finding the mental energy to even attempt dating can be laborious. It’s no surprise then that some women say that casual hookups are a more fun and the relatively easier option.
“So many people are just passing through town while travelling around Southeast Asia,” explains Kelly, a 28-year-old expat. “It is simple to find a onenight stand when dancing in a club or drinking at a bar, but making an actual lasting connection with someone who lives in Bangkok is difficult to find.”
Lindsey, a teacher, says: “Many people are here for limited amounts of time for work. Because of this, finding someone worth dating becomes a chore. You learn to ask the question, ‘How long will you be here?’, right after you ask a person’s name.”
But Bangkok’s reputation — think of those familiar terms such as “lurid”, “seedy”, “decadent”, “promiscuous” — certainly marks different experiences between men and women expats. Many men arrive in the city anticipating the nightlife, the hookups and the ego-boost that comes with being highly sought after. With enticing neon lights, beautiful women and guarantees of the best night of your life, why would a man seek a long-lasting and meaningful relationship? It is a baffling and arduous situation that leaves many single expat women feeling deflated.
“Honestly, when I signed my teaching contract, I really wish that someone would have told me a bit more about the dating culture in Bangkok,” says Kayla, who moved here from Canada.
“I often refer to Bangkok as being ‘the least romantic city ever’. Meaning that people don’t choose Bangkok as a honeymoon destination, and single hearts don’t vacation here hoping to meet Mr Right. It’s not Bali or Paris or another massive, yet still romantic, city like New York.”
Compared to many Western countries where women traditionally can choose who and how to date, Thailand’s alternative power dynamics can be surprising. According to Nicki, from Houston, Texas, almost all Western men are in demand, and many Thai women are not afraid to approach or message them.
“I think that when guys talk to expat women now, it’s kind of like, ‘I can walk outside and get 10 girls right now, so I’m not going to put a lot of effort into dating you’,” she says. “People are quick to want to have sex, or people aren’t respectful. They aren’t really going to do the traditional dating that we’re used to back home.”
Anna, a British expat, believes this seedy undercurrent of dating makes deciphering men’s genuine intentions difficult, even when there appears to be “no red flags”.
“Some men openly admit to being part of this culture. Some don’t. This causes a feeling that they may secretly be part of paying for sex. I have been on dates with men where this is an issue. I know marriages to have broken up because this is an issue.”
Similarly, Celia, although herself married, has witnessed friends’ relationships break down due to the distrust stemming from this pay-for-play culture. “I think it is hard for the girls, especially because their boyfriend’s male friends were in this Thai world where it is absolutely OK to go clubbing in go-go bars. It seems kind of like their moral compass is broken the longer they stay in Thailand.”
Having the tables turned, however, can have its benefits. For many women, not being constantly pursued is a refreshing change from their home countries, where they would sometimes be treated like possessions.
“It is nice to go out and feel safe and never feel like you have to say something to someone who is grabbing you inappropriately,” says Lindsey.
“Bangkok feels very safe. You do not get catcalled or whistled at,” Anna added. “You get ignored.”
With some dating sites primarily focused towards connecting farang men with Thai women — and there are also those popular just among Thais — expat women have gravitated towards dating apps like Tinder and Bumble. After filtering out the matches who are seeking one-night stands, the pool of potential dates evidently gets quite small.
“A funny thing about Tinder is that if you sit around with your girlfriends all swiping, everyone will come across the same guys. It gets a little awkward if anyone was feeling interested in him a particular guy,” says Lindsey.
The limited pool of men means some women choose to broaden or change their usual preferences.
“When I swipe here in Thailand, I’m just swiping with people that look decent,” said Nicki, who dates both men and women. “But back home, I know that as soon as I open an app or walk out of the train station, I will see people that I am genuinely attracted to. So you kind of have to open your preferences here a little more.”
On the contrary, Kati, who is a single mother and entrepreneur, says there is no need to lower her standards on Tinder if honest communication exists
Bangkok feels very safe. You do not get catcalled or whistled at. You get ignored
between both parties. “Everyone has the right to be on Tinder for their own reasons. Some are there just for sex, some are there to find a relationship. You need to respect that and find the person/persons who share similar reasons with you. My current relationship started from Tinder dates,” says Kati.
Yet for some expat women who choose to date local Thai men, the challenge of finding similar-minded partners is intensified by language barriers and cultural differences, which make establishing an initial connection more difficult than they would like.
“Thai is by no means an easy or approachable language to learn, and after living here for a yearand-a-half, mine is still really basic,” says Kayla. “I can’t picture myself being in a relationship with someone who I cannot communicate with.”
Kati, who has two children from a past relationship, also feels she and her family would not mould well into traditional Thai family values. For instance, she questions whether a Thai partner would accept her kids as his own.
Obviously success stories do still exist. Lucy, who has lived here for five years, found she suffered no such problems with cultural disparity.
“The two men I’ve dated both speak excellent English,” she said.
Dating Thai men has also given Lucy new insights into the versatility of Thai culture. “It isn’t just one thing. Thai men come from all over the country and they have different attitudes towards life.”
Lucy is right. Bangkok’s fusion of eclectic lifestyles and cultures is what draws so many to the city. Yet, although it bursts with exciting opportunities to make new friends and pursue new career paths, the transient way of life, cultural barriers and deeprooted reputation clearly make it an uncommon place to find long-lasting romance. And, indeed, if Bangkok could talk, it may just say to these ladies: “It’s not you, it’s me. But keep trying, because you just never know.”
Some names have been changed for privacy.