Love is waiting in the cloud

Online dating was once seen as The Last Chance Saloon populated by desperados, today it’s a go-to safe space for those who can’t make the cocktail-bar scene every night

Once perceived as the domain of shady foreigners looking for local women, internet dating hasn’t been the sweetest Valentine’s rose for many. But since a decade ago, when matchmaking sites first came to Thailand, and as social media continue as a standard mode communication, the relationship between the internet and dating has changed.

“If you’d asked me 10 years ago, even I would have had reservations about using the internet for dating. How are you supposed to be sure the person on the other side really exists?” said Arthida Tosuwan, founder of the matchmaking Facebook page Mae Sue Mae Chuck, a lively community where people are urged to recommend their single friends to others.

“But these days, with the widespread use and improved online literacy, I think it’s a much safer place, or at least a less scary one. It’s certainly a viable place for meeting people and even initiating relationships.”

Starting out as a passion project between friends, Arthida’s page has attracted almost 100,000 followers after just eight months. The page — which she manages with four other friends — has posted over 700 profiles of various members of the community, each accompanied by a handful of photographs of the person, as well as a brief summary on personality and preferences. Social-media information such as Facebook and/or Instagram profiles are also posted, to allow other members to contact anyone they fancy.

“The process of beginning and cultivating a relationship is something that has always evolved through time,” said Arthida. “The people of our grandparents’ generation may have had to write letters, while our parents’ were able to call each other through landlines. The same is true for this generation, which uses the internet as one of the main venues of socialising and meeting people.”

Matchmaking through a medium — personal or public — has been around forever. Thais put personal ads in newspapers, such as the legendary Lung Nuad column, and in that sanctuary of the lonely hearts, Khoo Sang Khoon Som magazine, which stopped publication late last year. Online matchmaking follows the same protocol, just with differing speed and through a different medium.

Still, there remains a stigma when it comes to online dating, or simply the act of finding dates on any online platform. Many still feel reservations about admitting to their parents that they’ve found their latest partner on, say, Tinder.

“Some of my friends who have been married actually lied about how they met at their own wedding,” said Kulchulee Subsinduom, founder of Bangkok Matching, an old-school matching service dedicated to setting up upscale clients. Established in 2006, Kulchulee and her company claim to have been responsible for over “6,000 dating couples and 700 marriages”.

“People feel there’s an air of desperation involved with internet-related dating. It’s not quite the kind of story you’d like to tell your kids.”

With the ease of access cessess s grantgrangr g ranted anted teded by on onl onlin online nline ne platforms like social media or r d dat datin dating atinging g appsappap a ppsps likelik ike Tinder, Kulchulee speaks from personal experience that while more matches offer the modern dater more choices, it doesn’t always equate to more or better-quality relationships.

“You can argue that more choices simply means more freedom to make the best selection, but in my experience, more choice leads to elimination, which means people begin to filter choices based on appearance or initial impressions, sweeping aside people who aren’t as physically attractive first, before picking through the attractive people one more time to find the ideal match. It’s the natural thing to do, and it makes people less open to giving others a chance beyond the initial impression.”

Asst Prof Dr PansaPansakPaPannsaksakk SugkSSuugkrargkraroraroekaroek,oek,ek,, TTVV pepersonalityalitaityy anda headheeadd ofof obobstetrobsobstestetrictetrictricsicss andand gynaggyngyynaecnaecoaecology at Bumrungrad Hospital, shares a familiar perspective. With his long experience as a sex-and-relationships consultant on many TV shows over the years, Dr Pansak believes there is an inherent artificiality when it comes to online profiles, even if it isn’t always done with intent towards deception.

“Online profiles tend to be aspirational. That is to say, sometimes people paint a picture of who they wish to be online, instead of who they really are, which isn’t necessarily done to trick or mislead anyone,” said the doctor.

“Once these people initiate a relationship, and their true selves are laid bare, it can create a case of dashed expectations, which often leads to dysfunctional relationships. So while it’s easier to meet people, it’s harder to tell whether that person is telling you the absolute truth. No one is absolutely good or bad, but no one’s going to express their bad side online.”

The abundance of choice, coupled with the increased importance on individualism, means that people today are far likelier to break up with each other over differences in opinion or belief, knowing they can just hop back online and swipe till they get their next date. While the internet may have allowed people to acquaint themselves with one another more easily than ever, the core of relationships remains as it always has — namely, compatibility, compromise and respect.

“Statistically speaking, the worldwide average for break-ups is currently over 70%,” said Dr Pansak.

“This partly comes from the fact that people are more individualistic, able to be alone happily in a proportion far greater than before. It’s certainly not a bad thing, but it also has the side effect of making people far less tolerant of differing views, something inevitable in any relationship.

“People today also need to learn to overlook the little things sometimes, so they can also have quality relationships with others. Compromise and respect are the things that will make relationships last, and that will be true no matter how much everything else changes.”

But while the internet can be an inherently uncertain place, Arthida believes that it can provide people with the most important first step, which is to simply put themselves out there to be discovered.

“These days, the common working lifestyle isn’t exactly conducive for meeting people. Unless you’re a real social animal who likes to go drinking every night, most people’s daily lives are just a trip from their home to the office and back, which means they don’t really have a chance to organically meet people outside of work.

“Sometimes, even familiar people you see every day may not know you’re available. One case from my page was between two people who had been Facebook friends but never really knew each other. After one of them was featured on my page, the other person realised for the first time that they were both single, and so initiated a relationship.

“In another case, a woman wasn’t really a social person, and would work and go home every day. After she was featured on the page, a friend of a friend saw the profile, and it turns out they have a lot of mutual friends who hang out together, so the two began speaking to each other. They’re about to get married at the end of this year.

“The social norms and values in a society are always changing. I myself used to be very sceptical about internet dating and romance, so the norms of dating have definitely changed these days. But whether that is a positive or a negative is up to the individual. At the end of the day, it’s a matter of personal judgement, whether you meet someone online or not.”

While the internet may have allowed people to acquaint themselves with one another more easily than ever, the core of relationships remains as it always has — namely, compatibility, compromise and respect