Avoiding grudges in our retirement community

Dear Abby: My wife and I live in a small town in the Northwest. After many years here, feeling that a warmer climate may be better for us, we decided to retire and move to a 55-plus community. We researched and visited several, and recently bought a home in one with about 5,000 residents and a lot of senior activities.

After closing, we stayed around for several days to get better acquainted and got a rude surprise. Everyone we met was very friendly, but quite a few seemed to have a grudge about at least one other person in the community. We’ve always made friends easily. What can we do or say to be able to be friends with neighbours who have grudges against each other (“If you are friends with them, you can’t be friends with us”)?

Not Taking Sides

It appears you not only moved south, but also into an “elementary school” complete with playground politics. Do not allow yourselves to be shanghaied into an exclusive relationship with anyone who tries to blackmail you this way. If your neighbours can’t get along with each other, let it be their problem and see them separately. And when they put down the people they don’t like, change the subject.

Dressing down

Dear Abby: When I met my husband, he dressed impeccably — suits, sharp sport coats, monogrammed shirts, freshly pressed dress slacks, top-of-theline leather shoes. Even when we went out with friends for a casual night or a movie, he still dressed well in current, fashionable clothing. I fell in love with a man who dressed beautifully (my father was known for his attire as well, which is perhaps why I like the successful look).

Now that he’s retired, his jeans always look dingy (they’re not dirty; they just look like they are), his sneakers look worn, and he just doesn’t care about his appearance like he once did. When we go out together, I’m embarrassed.

I love the man who used to care about his appearance, not this retired, sloppylooking guy. If I complain, he tells me I’m being ridiculous. I don’t expect him to look like he once did (office attire), but he should at least look current, crisp and clean. Am I wrong to be embarrassed

Likes The Old Look

Dear Likes: I wish you had mentioned how long you and your husband have been married, because over the last 40 years styles have changed. People of both sexes dress much more casually.

Your husband may have dressed more formally years ago because there was a dress code at work and it was expected with the crowd with whom you socialised or the places you went. At this point, he may feel that because he’s retired he has earned the right to dress “comfortably”.

Yes, you are wrong to be embarrassed. What is important is how your husband feels about himself. How he presents himself is a reflection only on him — not you. You might suggest a shopping trip so the two of you can update those jeans and sneakers, but if he won’t bite, you would be wise to let him off the hook.

Moaning husband

Dear Abby: My significant other and I have five children between us. He has a son and daughter from a previous marriage, I have a daughter from a previous relationship, and we have two daughters together.

I love all our children equally, but my significant other complains nonstop about my daughter from the previous relationship. He nags about every little thing she does, which he never does with his own children. I have talked to him many times about the favouritism he shows toward his kids over my daughter. I understand she’s not perfect, but how can I get him to treat all of the children equally? Feeling Confused

Dear Confused: Children aren’t stupid. In fact, they are very perceptive. I’m sure your daughter recognises that the man her mother lives with doesn’t like her and treats her differently.

If you can’t get through to him that what he’s doing is unfair and damaging to your child, and that he needs to tone it down, then explain to her the reason why it’s happening. And if necessary, enlist the help of a licensed family therapist to change the dynamic.