Wrestling with coming forward after rape ANNIE’S MAILBOX
Dear Annie: I’ve been feeling very inspired lately. As a firm believer in gender equality, I am so happy to see how the #MeToo movement has given so many women the relief of telling their stories and getting a weight off their shoulders. However, this also has inspired a feeling of panic within me. I, too, am a victim; but my perpetrator was not a celebrity or a public figure, so I have nothing to gain by speaking out. However, I see the relief and empowerment some women are experiencing from coming forward, and I’m wondering whether I could feel the same. Though close friends know what happened to me, my family does not know, and neither does my boyfriend. I see the backlash that this wave of voices has caused, and it frightens me. My rapist was a friend whom my parents always liked, and my boyfriend knows him, too. I don’t want to ruin his life by telling people who would then hate him for something that happened years ago. I also am worried that they wouldn’t believe me or would assume the reason for my speaking up is that I want attention. But I also now realise that this is a significant part of my history, and I don’t know what to do with it, Annie. Telling you has helped, though. What do you think I should do?
Scared of Secrets
I’m so sorry that someone you considered a friend hurt you in such a profound way. You should not bear the burden of keeping this secret out of concern for him. Protecting your own mental health is far more important than protecting the social standing of an abuser. No matter how many years it’s been, no matter how many friends you have in common, he committed sexual assault. Any fallout he faces now he brought on himself. Who knows? Perhaps he’ll emerge from this reckoning a better person. In any case, it’s not your problem. By all means, you should open up to your boyfriend and family, as it seems your heart is calling you to do so.
That Ain’t Good English
Dear Annie: I have been attending a local church for about a year, and although I am very shy, I have come to care a great deal about some of the people, especially my pastors. I have noticed that on the church’s official website, there are quite a few typos and oddly structured sentences. I would love to offer a couple of hours of my time to fix up those mistakes to make the website look more professional.
Do you think this offer would be considered offensive? If not, what would be the best approach for me to take?
Wanting to Help
Dear Wanting to Help: You’re not just a congregation; you’re a community. And your desire to contribute to the community is admirable. Approach the pastor with whom you’re closest and let him or her know that you would be happy to donate your editing services to the church’s website. I imagine that the pastor will welcome the offer, as the more polished the website is the brighter it will allow the ministry to shine.