THE BIG ISSUE: PROMISES, PROMISES

>> The general prime minister is off to the South this week. The trip to Chumphon has been planned for a while, so the irony is coincidental.

The completely non-political trip to discuss serious stuff with citizens of the South comes a week after the general prime minister’s privately owned junta warned off an actual native of the South, told him not to approach his homies.

Suthep “Kamnan” Thaugsuban, the 2014 coup-enabling Bangkok Shutdown artist who used to have a close, personal relationship with Gen (Ret) Prayut, is the founder and chief personality of a political group.

The Ruamphalang Prachachartthai is called, in English, the Action Coalition for Thailand (ACT) Party.

The kamnan has openly stated he will campaign tirelessly for votes because he wants actual power in a post-election government, probably a coalition.

Gen (Ret) Prayut, who couldn’t possibly care less about politics while the country is suffering all that turmoil and danger to national security, is taking the cabinet to the heart of Suthepville for a mobile meeting that has nothing to do with politics.

Or as the charming or as the charming official National News Bureau puts it, “roving cabinet”. And, you know, if a lot of people who love the general prime minister show up and insist on showing their devotion, what can he do? He’ll have to talk, schmooze and kiss their babies, won’t he?

No choice. It’s not like he actually wants that.

He promised the nation last week to tell us within the next 42 days whether he will accede to the huge majority (one poll said 100%) of the public will, and stay on indefinitely as the dear leader after the 2015 election — or break tens of millions of adoring hearts. (Spoiler hint: Gen (Ret) Prayut is not a heartbreaker.)

He is going to promise the South this week, and in the near future he is going to promise the North, that if he decides to stay on as prime minister for life, those regions will get Economic Corridors just like Rayong and the East is going to get one.

For Bangkok, he held out the most brilliant vision the city’s hot, wet, long-suffering, super-patient commuters have heard, literally, in 23 years.

The fugitive made the promise to do it in six months. Now, from nothing but the visceral goodness of his heart, the general prime minister is going to ease the traffic in three months.

Don’t ask for details, just you wait. Which is exactly what Lord Voldemort na Dubai said back in 1995, when he went by a different name and had no criminal record.

That was a year after the brilliant Anand Panyarachun, recently a prime minister under military dictators, chaired a traffic crisis committee. It came up with 63 discrete steps to un-jam the world class traffic jams.

To this day, on just about any outing, Bangkokians and visitors can see how well Lord Voldemort and Mr Anand succeeded.

At least those two men sat down and addressed the issue. The general prime minister, like any half-decent army general, gave a directive — “I’d like to see traffic jams decrease. We’ve got technology and klong boats and we can set up new bus routes. Now go get it done.”

Then he explained to the media it would get done. Sure.

Let’s just say that if he intends to venture out there on Lat Phrao Road any time this week, he needn’t instruct traffic policemen to hold up traffic 30 seconds for his convoy.

But this is the true shenaniganery, the continued hypocrisy exhibited about the general prime minister’s “S Men”. Suriya, Somsak and Somkid clearly had not just permission from the junta but authority above it in pursuing the election-day and post-election chances of a prime ministry for life.

They are Thai Rak Thai to the core, the ideologue and continuing chief enforcer of Voldemort’s populism long after the evil one’s political death.

Last week, the regime demanded (and deserved) applause for lending and donating tens or hundreds of millions to help farmer-victims of loan sharks and other usury. They retrieved 3 billion baht in cash, goods and 7,000 rai of pledged land from, frankly, extortionists.

It’s just the sort of controversial programme celebrated and condemned as populism, and thus banned by the constitution.

It’s just the sort of populist programme designed and carried out in the atmosphere of a political campaign denied to everyone without direct connections to the regime.