SUFFERING IN SILENCE
Today is International Women’s Day, also known as the United Nations Day for Women’s Rights. The global theme for this year is “Women In Leadership: Achieving An Equal Future In A Covid-19 World”. The pandemic has impacted women and girls in a profound manner, amplifying the inequalities they face daily.
This International Women’s Day, I would like to reflect how far Thailand has progressed as a nation in empowering Thai women and the progress of gender equality in our patriarchal society since everyone deserves to be treated with respect.
Despite the many freedoms we enjoy in this often freewheeling nation, the saying “the wife is the hind leg” — implying that men are the leaders and women are the followers — continues to rear its ugly head in Thai society.
A case in point regarding this very fact has been news reports about a family dispute in which the man of the house decides he has the right to celebrate nuptials with his mistress while still being legally married to his first wife.
I hold a different view than that adultery and bigamy cases are silly domestic spats between husband and wife and thus are a private matter.
As a Thai woman, please allow me to share my two cents on this subject.
As far back as my memory goes, the patriarchal system I have lived in tolerates infidelity by men and passes off having a side chick while being married as nothing to get all worked up about because it is part of being an alpha male in Thai society. Thus, the respect for the wife is often disregarded.
Due to the flippant attitude towards the institution of marriage, women have suffered silently for years. While there have been women who have pursued divorce when the man refuses to stop seeing a mistress, many stay in a bad marriage due to economic reasons and for the sake of children.
While Thailand is well-known for its bigamy practices, to just what extent it is practised today recently came to light at the wedding of a policeman in Chai Nat province that ended in embarrassment after his wife of 16 years, dressed in black, crashed their nuptials and produced her marriage certificate to prove the groom was very much a married man, and a father of two.
What added to the drama was the groom’s mother, who had accompanied her daughter-in-law. Not only did she side with the distraught woman, she physically demonstrated her displeasure at her son’s choices by unleashing a shove and slap across his face as he sat there motionless while receiving the monks’ blessings.
At one point, the groom could be heard telling the mother of his children: “Leave the party. You are not a guest of this house. Please leave.”
Despite the presence of his legal wife, the eldest daughter who was filming the incident, and his mother, the groom, and his “new” bride acted as if nothing had happened. They still went ahead with the ceremony.
The would-be bigamist has been laying low since video of the incident went viral on Facebook.
Since this case was brought to the attention of the public, countless women have come forward on social media, sharing similar life stories of wayward husbands not waiting to get a divorce before wedding another woman. In one incident, even the man’s parents agreed to ask the mistress’ hand in marriage.
Cases of infidelity are self-serving, the man finds himself burned out living with the same wife for a period of time and desires a fresh face. What is perplexing is the obvious lack of responsibility in not filing for divorce first.
This begs the question: “What does it take for such men to give the woman who has born their children the respect of divorcing her first before he remarries?”
Is it because he feels a sense of entitlement that the most rational thing to do in such a situation hasn’t crossed his mind?
When it comes to becoming a homewrecker, I believe both parties are equally to be blamed, because oftentimes the woman is aware of the fact that the man she is in a relationship with is married but she decides to continue, convincing herself it is love. Let us see what Thai law says about bigamy. Experts on Thai criminal law say that “bigamy, being knowingly married to more than one person at once, is in fact not a crime in Thailand. However, it can still cause you to run foul of Thailand’s criminal laws. An example cited is when you get married in a civil ceremony, the registrar will ask you if you were previously married and, if so, divorced. If you say you are still married, the registrar will not allow the marriage. If you lie and say you aren’t married, this is a crime. The reason for this is that under Section 137 of Thailand’s Criminal Code, giving false information to a public official is a crime punishable by imprisonment of up to six months and a small fine”.
While we see that obvious loopholes are exploited here to serve the man’s needs, instead of lamenting over it, I believe what is in our power is to instil in our daughters and sisters the importance of self-respect, self-worth, and financially independence.
This can start with female relatives, or even a teacher, who realises the dysfunctionality in continuing with the old paradigm and who desires to see a change in our patriarchal society.
Thai society has an acute shortage of role models for youngsters and with widespread materialism and basically no fear of God or a higher being to offer a moral compass for young men and women to follow, this is recipe for disaster.
Due to this, the thought today of fooling around with a married man has stopped raising eyebrows and some women see it only as a challenge, thus contributing to making the family institution go from bad to worse.
Our youngsters are growing up with a value system that encourages a self-serving lifestyle. Simply put, the belief is that “as long as I am happy all is good”.
When you know your self-worth and are comfortable in your own skin, you will not stoop down to the level of becoming someone’s third wheel.
A woman does not need to use her sexuality to achieve her dreams. What she needs is to learn to become financially independent and to build in herself the confidence to realise that with perseverance and hard work, the stars are the limit.
Happy International Women’s Day!