ASK THE EXPERTS 42

RUSSELL HEMMINGS | DUBAI-BASED LIFECOACH AND HYPNOTHERAPIST

Advice from the best in the UAE.

Q Our son continually avoids studies, offering weak excuses. He says everything is too hard for him and wants to give up studying. Please help.

A The behavioural traits you mention are not uncommon and all too often are coupled with a general lack of resilience and a willingness to give up far too easily.

First, I don’t think there’s anything ‘wrong’ with him. Being a teenager is a complicated and tricky time in life. There is a dawning realisation that childhood is passing and adulthood is looming with all its responsibilities. This throws up challenges for parents too, often caused by the conflict between what the child wants to do and what the parents knows they need to do. Parents walk a tightrope setting boundaries and expectations while trying to provide a loving and supportive emotional environment.

Why do teens often believe everything is so hard for them? Maybe it’s because they’ve had everything done for them their whole lives. Parents are programmed to dote on their kids and naturally try to avoid exposing them to hardship as much as possible. Unfortunately, the by-product they create is an unreal ‘bubble’ which doesn’t necessarily reflect the real world. They create a breed of teens who believes that life must be easy, and it must be without any discomforts or inconveniences. They have an inbuilt sense of entitlement.

Coupled with this ‘sense of entitlement’ comes the notion from the teenager that everything is a ‘hassle’ or it’s ‘horrible’ or ‘unbearable’.

This can be tough on parents too. You strive to give them the life you perhaps didn’t have, worked hard to create something materially abundant, decision free and perfectly comfortable for them. Yet take a moment to consider, how could they know hardship or struggle or the rewards of endeavour, if they’ve never had to do it? They cannot. Therefore, they have learned not to be resourceful or focused because they are utterly dependent on their parents. Unfortunately, in some cases this learned dependency can be serious and it can lead to several negative emotions like anxiety, anger and low mood and a plethora of issues like study avoidance, wayward conduct and gaming addiction.

The positive news is this is reversible. Speaking honestly to him about his life, his future and his dreams. The keyword is ‘his’. It’s vital for him to see himself as an adult having to stand on his own feet. Introduce life-skill lessons where he could work for reward. Some professional coaching or specialised mentoring could benefit him and re-energise his ambition or send him in a new direction.

You may need to change your own approach too. Introduce him to the more ‘adult’ realities of life by making sure he understands the value of money and the amount of hard work required to achieve and maintain a good standard of living. This may focus his mind a little more on the future.

All too often kids of this generation are told that everything they do is ‘amazing’ when in fact it isn’t. This does them a complete disservice as they then can’t recognise what constitutes high quality and what is half-measures. Firm but fair is a good mantra when it comes to being the ‘parent guide’ he needs to help him make the right choices for his future.