Inventing internet was not such a good idea

Asenior politician announced that India had invented the internet thousands of years ago, but he did not say if Wi-Fi was wireless at that time.

The chief minister of Tripura state asked how else can you explain that Sanjaya (charioteer of King Dhritarashtra) gave a detailed account about the battle happening in Kurukshetra many kilometres away, to the blind king? “Internet and satellite communications had existed in the days of the Mahabharata,” he said.

The politician was inaugurating a two-day workshop on computerisation of the public distribution system. The reporter did not say what the reaction of the audience was.

The BJP (Bharatiya Janata Party) leader emphasised the fact that, though the Europeans and the Americans may claim that it is their invention, but it is actually our (Indian) technology. Internet and satellite systems had existed during lakhs (one lakh is 100,000) of years ago.”

He was speaking about the time of the Mahabharata, the epic poem that describes the battle between cousins on the right to rule. According to astronomers, the Mahabharata has been dated about 3,000 years ago.

Technology has both a good side and a bad side, and its evil effects were unfortunately ignored by the chief minister.

General: Prepare for battle, we strike at dawn. This war has been going on for a very long time and we will make this our decisive moment. Tell the troops, if they fight well we should be returning home soon before the monsoon rains.

Colonel: Sir, I am afraid striking at dawn will be a bit early for our troops. They had spent the whole night playing war games on the internet or chatting with their wives or girl friends back home on their shields, which the Geek had turned into a device called the Sky Peek.

General: @#%$*, pardon my French, but didn’t I warn you all when that fellow Zucker Bug invented the internet. I had said it is too early in time to unleash such evil magic.

Now, even my son will not speak to me. The whole day he sits and just looks at his palm. My wife keeps buying all that junk on a retail site called Amaze On and now my troops are out of shape because of lack of sleep.

Colonel: Sir, maybe if you promised them free Wi-Fi on the battlefield and an hour off every day to de-stress from the fighting and killing stuff, they might start the battle tomorrow at a time of your preference. I believe Macro Soft offers its troops a lounge to, well, lounge in and an open kitchen where protein bars and beverages are free all day long.

AI is taking my job

General: Colonel, have you noticed that there is something evil in the air this summer. People are just sitting and doing nothing. No digging trenches, no heating oil to pour on the enemy or sharpening of arrows? It is as if we are cursed. Do you think I should send word to the wizard Gandalf to come here post haste?

Something is not right. I can feel it in my bones, and these bones have gone through many a battle with me. Already, AI is taking my job of planning the battle strategy.

Last time I met King Dhritarashtra, I could see the way he looked at me that he is thinking of replacing me. It is not that he does not trust me to win this war for him. He is just thinking of getting the job done cheaper. Mark my words, this internet and AI will make us redundant very soon.

Colonel: General, let me get you a steaming cup of Tulsi herbal tea. You are overthinking. We shall win this war come what may. And we all can go home to our wives and children and listen to relaxing, meditation music on iTunes.

■ Mahmood Saberi is a storyteller and blogger based in Bengaluru, India. Twitter: @mahmood_saberi