There’s no right way to mourn

We need to allow ourselves the freedom to express positive emotions amid tragedy

When Kobe Bryant died on January 26, there was an outpouring of grief for the legendary NBA champion. Much of this grieving also took place on social media. His widow, Vanessa Bryant, wrote a powerful tribute on Instagram that was “liked” by more than nine million people. So did Carmelo Anthony and Chris Paul.

Grief is no longer private these days, which lets us mourn together. But doing so also allows people to publicly shame how others deal with loss.

“Cancel the games. Cancel the Grammys.,” one person wrote on Twitter. Another criticised those who brought up the rape allegation against Bryant in their commemorations: “Some people have no respect for the dead.”

This is part of a broader phenomenon. These “grief police” enforce murky standards of who should be sad, when they’re allowed to be and to what degree. This isn’t just problematic in the moment; introducing guilt into the grieving process can negatively impact others’ ability to heal. Something similar happened at Barnard College where, in December, we were forced to grieve in the media spotlight after one of the newest members of our community, the first-year student Tess Majors, was murdered.

I have spent my career researching anxiety and worry, and I was struck by a commonality among people on campus:

Amid their feelings of heartbreak, members of our community were worried about how others would perceive their specific form of grieving.

I wasn’t aware of students policing others’ grief, but the perception that this was happening still had an effect, especially given the media attention around the tragedy.

One student told me that, in the midst of her deep sorrow, she also felt guilty about feeling eager to write her final papers and was worried she would be judged for not mourning in the “right” way. I bet some of the NBA players who were eager to play in the wake of Bryant’s death also had mixed feelings — because they [were afraid of] being judged. LeBron James was skewered online for not immediately posting about his friend and mentor: “Why are you not posting Kobe? I never liked LeBron because he is always FULL of himself,” one person wrote on social media.

Unfortunately, introducing blame into the grieving process causes people to question whether they are dealing with loss the right way and to feel guilty about what they do, say and feel. Everyone responds to death differently, and it’s psychologically healthy to focus on parts of our identity that are not touched by tragedy. It is OK for a grieving athlete to play an important game; the same goes for a student who wants to take her finals in the wake of a campus tragedy. Embracing the fullness of our identities in no way represents a lack of respect or a blindness to the gravity of a tragedy. Quite the opposite: It is only through this process that we can effectively take care of one another, including those who have been most affected.

When the grief police arrive, we need to give ourselves licence to express positive emotions and affirm other aspects of ourselves that we value outside of the tragedy.

When the grief police arrive, we need to give ourselves licence to express positive emotions.