Key to embracing right state of mind
The word ‘should’ is quite authoritative, isn’t it? It is more of a command, a rule that is set in stone. “You shouldn’t be wearing these kinds of clothes, it’s inappropriate” or “You should stay at home on weekdays and party only on weekends.” The word is so parental, as though there isn’t any other way to be other than the way that things ‘should be’.
We all know at least one person in our life who makes all the plans — where to go, what to wear — they are the ones who usually decide what we ‘should do’. Usually, they are super organised and can provide quite a bit of direction and structure to a plan (they may also be deemed as good leaders).
Individuals who operate from the ‘should have, could have’ perspective on a daily basis are the ones who have a strong parent ego state. Here, the word ‘ego state’ refers to the amount of mental energy that involuntarily sets a tone for the way a person thinks, behaves, and feels, in their daily life. For example: You are at a party with your friends and there is one friend who keeps checking the clock. He/she ‘needs’ to get into bed early. Why: they must get to work on time, the next day.
Now, it is completely OK and socially acceptable for them to behave this way on an occasional basis. However, the moment this kind of behaviour gets repetitive is when it can be said that their parent ego state is high. In many social circles, people under this ego state are tagged as ‘boring’ or ‘buzzkill.’
Following the previous example, there is another friend at this party who is gulping shots as if it were water. There’s a common dialogue that they ruminate on at almost any party that they attend, as they say, “Oh come on, you only live once! This is the best night of my life!” This is someone whose child ego state is beyond potent. To them, every single day is a party.
More often than not, people with a high child ego state are known to be unreliable and cannot be taken too seriously, when required.
Black and white situation
With the two ego states discussed above, you may have noticed a pattern — a black and white situation: the parent ego state is one extreme, and the child ego state is another. Can there ever be a balance? Let us find out.
Winding back to the party example — You observe a person who is having a blast and literally ball of a time. However, soon she realises that “This has been so much fun! I wish I could stay longer. But I have got to get to work earlier than usual, tomorrow. Maybe I will party with them again, next month. We’ll see.” This is one of the most ideal thought processes in the world of mental health. It is known as the adult ego state.
In another phenomenal concept of modern psychology by Eric Berne, the adult ego state enables an individual to make rational decisions, purely based on the hereand-now. This particular ego state guides our thoughts, feelings and behaviour in a way that enables us to think and determine our actions, based on received data.
The parent and the child ego states may be poles apart, but the adult acts as the fulcrum between the two. The one in an adult ego state has a balanced frame of mind as their mental energy transitions smoothly between their parent, child, and the adult ego state.
If you are faced with a difficult situation right now, remember that you have three states in your mind. You have the power. Which one do you choose?