Stuck in your head? Escape the ‘never enough’ narrative
Unrealistic expectations and negativity can trap you. Learn how to build self-worth
Establish achievable objectives and prioritise personal development instead of comparing yourself to others.”
Nardeen Turjman | Clinical psychologist
How do you get out of your own head? A Dubai-based mother is anxious about her daughter, who is never content with her achievements.
Dubai-based British expat Katherine Bryce, sends gifts regularly to her friends scattered all over the globe, worried that they will forget her.
Dubai-based Indian salesperson Tania Roy works herself to the point of burnout because she believes that what she does isn’t enough.
Alas, the narratives and stories that we keep feeding ourselves. It comes down to the basic thread: Never good enough, be it your personal or professional life. You’re always falling short, somewhere.
“It’s your beliefs about yourself and the world around you that affects your well-being,” explains Alison Thawne, an American Dubai-based clinical psychologist. “If you believe that you are worthy of love and can confront difficulties in life, you will behave in a manner that aligns with this thought process.”
Past experiences of failure, criticism, or trauma can really shape a person’s self-perception.”
Eidde Francke | Clinical psychologist
Feeling inadequate?
A crippling sense of inadequacy: That’s the core of not feeling good enough.
Eidde Francke, a Dubaibased clinical psychologist at LightHouse Arabia, explains that there are many reasons behind this feeling of hollow inadequacy. It could be social comparison, perpetuated by social media and societal standards, which often leads people to measure their worth against unrealistic ideals.
“Past experiences of failure, criticism, or trauma can really shape a person’s self-perception,” she says.
Unrealistic ideas of perfectionism and low self-esteem also play into fueling this sense of inadequacy, adds Nardeen Turjman, a clinical psychologist at the German Neuroscience Centre.
Cruel self-talk
No one’s as harsh to ourselves, as we are, explains Thawne. “We’re our own cruel critics,” she says. So, we revel in chastising ourselves when something doesn’t go right. We ascribe hurtful terms for ourselves, for example ‘loser’, she adds. You’ll often hear people say things like, “How could I be so stupid?” and “I’m such a disappointment”. We hurl such cruel terms at ourselves and believe it, she says.
This is just one example. Generally, we reduce ourselves to either our work, or a role in our family, explains Anne Mills, a British Dubai-based psychologist. We are diluting our own complexity, when we start over-identifying with such self-ascribed labels.
The refusal to let go
Someone hurt us once. It’s seared into our memories and we keep digging up that memory to feel that same sense of rage and betrayal. Or, we hurt someone by mistake and they never forgave us. It all plays into the emotion of adding to our inadequacy.
“Some experiences are particularly scarring,” explains Mills. “It could have been a relationship ending. It could be a fight with your parents. These memories, the words still reverberate in a person and induces several physiological changes in them. So, they keep imagining the same episode, trying to look for alternate endings,” she adds.
They’re seeking some closure that will never come.
How do we break free?
It requires a shift in mindset, fostering self-worth through self-nurturing practices and encouraging words, accepting flaws, recognising accomplishments, and nurturing a mentality of gratitude.
“Establish achievable objectives, prioritise personal development instead of comparing oneself to others, seek assistance from reliable friends or experts, and participate in activities that bring happiness,” says Turjman.