4 reasons why you fail and how to recover
“I’m always a step behind,” a woman in her thirties told me. “My friends are successful doctors, entrepreneurs, environmentalists .... I feel like I just can’t achieve what they’re doing.” “I’ve gone to my third wedding this summer,” a young man said. “I love it that my friends are getting married. But what about me? Why can’t I have that dream come true too?”
The interesting thing about both of these is that they are, from all outward appearances, both very successful. The woman is doing an important job with a difficult population, and although she may never receive much recognition from the outside world for what she is doing, she knows that the service she is providing is actually immeasurable and greatly appreciated by the people she is working with. And the young man who wants to get married and settle down has actually been involved with two women who would like to do the same, but without realising what he is doing, he has sabotaged both relationships.
So, what is success? For some of us, it’s the accomplishment of a goal. For others, it’s the achievement of popularity or the attainment of wealth and/or fame. But sometimes the goal that we want to accomplish is actually bigger than what we can realistically do. Does that mean we’ve failed? And then, of course, what is failure? For some, it is not accomplishing a goal. For others, it is not accomplishing the same as a friend or a competitor. Obviously, these definitions can create problems. So if you are feeling like you are not succeeding, it would be a good idea to review just how you are defining success. But there are several other issues to consider as well.
1) Do you know how to learn? Nobody starts a new job or new activity already knowing how to do it. Acknowledging what you don’t know can feel scary – but it can also be a powerful tool for learning how to succeed.
2 ) Do you know the difference between success and perfection? Do you have to be the best at every aspect of your job, profession, activity, or social life in order to feel that you’ve succeeded? Because the desire and expectation that you will be perfect is a perfect recipe for feeling like you never succeed.
3) Do you have internal conversations that sabotage you? ‘Unthought” fears of losing the support and love of parents and friends who are envious or feel left behind as a result of your success, can let you down.
4) And finally, are you afraid of the change that comes with success? Success also means change and even if it’s a change you want, it might frighten you. Again, you might not even realise that you are holding yourself back — but you might figure it out if you think about some of the ways your life will change if you get your dream!
So what can you do? Accept that you don’t know everything, and that the process of succeeding means being able to allow yourself to learn.
Face your perfectionism even if you don’t think you’re a perfectionist! If you are afraid of making a mistake or showing that you don’t know something, you are being a perfectionist. Everyone fails at some time or another. Consider the people you know and love. Will they stop loving you if you are successful? If you genuinely answer yes, you might want to explore why they love you. And finally, acknowledge that success means change, and change can be anxiety-provoking. There are many productive ways to manage your anxiety, including deep breathing, exercise, talking to friends, family, or to a mentor. Put those into action and allow the forward motion to start!
Accept that you don’t know everything, and that the process of succeeding means being able to allow yourself to learn.