Don’t let worries worry you, work with them

For better or worse, we’ve inherited a worrying brain. This was really good news for ancestors who had to survive harsh conditions and constant predators and did so by being able to pay close attention to potential threats and dangers. But this is not so helpful for us modern humans, who can find themselves pulled into future “what if” thoughts that can fill many an hour of our waking lives.

Each of us has our own worry triggers, but the grip of worry is something we all experience.

Here are some things that you can try when you are gripped by worry:

Be aware of where your mind is traveling. Often our minds travel to far away places down dark roads, without us being fully aware. For example, it is not uncommon for parents to experience a behaviour crisis with their young child and have thoughts such as, “If she is behaving this way now, how is she possibly going to get through high school?” Before the parent knows it, he is 10 years into the future, which is a helpless feeling because he can’t do anything about something that hasn’t happened.

Recognising we have gone 10 steps into the future can remind us to bring our thinking back to right now. Look for places where you have control. Maybe there is a small action step that you can take. Know that you may not be able to control your initial worst-case scenario thoughts, but you can choose to keep bringing your mind back to today.

If a worry is particularly consuming, choose an activity you can engage in mindfully, something that will allow you to focus your attention on the task at hand. Folding laundry, cleaning the house, and going for a run can help you to step out of feeling immobilised by your own thoughts and feelings when they are very intense. Our ruminating thoughts are the distraction, pulling us away from what is actually happening. When we focus our full attention on an activity, we step back into our lives.

We can offer compassion and comfort to ourselves the way we might do to a friend going through a similar situation

Identify the inner and outer resources to meet potential challenges. For example, if you are worried about a medical issue, outer resources to focus on might include the skilled doctors and nurses that you have on your team, books that offer you information about how best to take care of yourself, or the neighbours willing to watch your kids. Inner resources might include your ability to carefully weigh information and not make impulsive decisions, motivation to take care of your body in any way you can. Bring your attention to all of the resources you can think of that are there for you to draw on. Know that they are with you as a source of strength.

Call up genuine, positive emotions. As much as we may be gripped by fear, anxiety, and worry, we often still have the capacity during these times to experience emotions such as care, love, appreciation, or gratitude. Focusing on these can help alleviate pain and suffering. It isn’t about pushing away difficult emotions, but about calling up positive emotions.

Practice self-compassion. While it is useful to stop or redirect spiraling, unhelpful, future-based thoughts, it is important that we don’t discount our own emotions by pushing them away. Instead, we can acknowledge that what we are experiencing is difficult. We can offer compassion and comfort to ourselves the way we might do to a friend going through a similar situation.

Don’t hold your worries alone. Reach out for support and engage in social connection. This worrying mind is part of our shared humanity. Knowing that you are not alone and allowing others to support you can help to bring ease to angst and suffering. Too often people refrain from doing so to avoid burdening others. But others can offer us perspective and the ability to see a larger picture. Don’t be shy about reaching out. —Psychology Today

Beth Kurland, Ph.D, is a clinical psychologist and author