As a Dubai kid, is my daughter forgetting her Pakistani roots?

We will probably never move back to Pakistan. And, my child, I hope, will not have any difficulty in adjusting to an ‘alien culture’, but I still feel I have failed somewhere... What concerns parents like us is whether we have made enough of an effort to make our children understand that they have roots somewhere else, and that the culture they are trying to ape may not accept them

Parenting is rocket science. I say this with experience and a lot of conviction. If you are an expat parent, whose kids were born and brought up in a foreign land, then it is twice the dilemma.

Here I am, at a loss, trying in vain to keep my child grounded and connected to her Pakistani roots. This isn’t easy when a number of different cultures are accessible to her, mostly through social media, to which she is constantly connected.

My 14-year-old is a creative sort — a trait inherited from mom, of course. She acts, models and looks good on Instagram. I don’t mind all that. I’m proud of her. When I was her age, I didn’t even know who I really was, so I’m glad she has discovered herself early.

The problem is that she doesn’t look like a Pakistani anymore and seems a like miniature version of a walking-talking Western rock, pop or TV star.

It all started with giving her access to YouTube. Well, she is a YouTuber. She makes videos, and had to get her inspiration from somewhere.

Soon, I started noticing a change in her mannerisms, a change in accent, a change in the way she wanted to dress and a general change in attitude.

This concerns me. I can see a shift, a disconnection from her roots in seemingly small things that can easily be chalked down to taste and personal preference. But as a mother, I feel a twinge. She wears a shalwar kameez only once a year, on Eid, and that too for no more than a couple of hours.

She hasn’t ever worn bangles, despite them lining up her dressing table, no jhumkas (earrings), she won’t even even apply mehndi (henna) on her palms for special occasions.

She finds all this sort of attire and these accessories gaudy. Instead, her wardrobe is comprised of crop tops, tight-fitted jeans, hair straighteners, curlers, and make-up. Before you raise your eyebrows, the minimal is all that’s allowed. She applies make up courtesy techniques learnt on YouTube.

In many ways, I am not a typical desi mom. I do allow certain freedoms to my children, that I set by example. For instance, I dress in both, Western and traditional clothes. But that doesn’t mean that I am raising a Western kid. We speak Urdu at home. Though pastas and roasts occasionally grace our dining table, on all occasions, our cuisine reflects our traditional tastes.

I grew up in Africa. And my mom made sure that I learnt the language, and wore desi outfits too — along with dresses and skirts. In fact, I had a great love for Pakistan despite staying away. So great that I opted to return to my home country to complete my studies. I feel like a Pakistani to the core.

We will probably never move back to Pakistan. And, my child, I hope, will not have any difficulty in adjusting to an ‘alien culture’, but I still feel I have failed somewhere.

It isn’t much consolation, but my friend, Steffi Barot, whose daughter happens to be my daughter’s friend, has the same concerns. “I changed my daughter’s school and, over time, I saw a change in the way she dressed, the things she would say to me, and the

manner in which she would say these things,” Steffi tells me.

“If I was in India, it would have been difficult for me to accept the change in my daughter,” she says. Again, Steffi’s concerns are similar to mine. “She doesn’t dress in desi clothes, unlike girls her age back home in India who wear both Western and traditional outfits”.

Similar to my daughter, her daughter too isn’t fond of mehndi or bangles. She doesn’t give them a second thought. “And when she is with friends and calls to talk to me, she puts on a funny accent... I take a step back to see if she is really my daughter,” Steffi laughs.

The similarities don’t end with our daughters. When all the young friends get together, they look like clones — the same cropped tops, fake accents, straight hair and make-up styles.

I’ve read research that says being exposed to a ‘bi-culture’ is tremendously beneficial because it makes kids flexible and creative. But bi-cultural kids may also experience their upbringing as the collision of multiple worlds.

They sometimes face criticism for stepping outside the bounds of what’s normally acceptable in their heritage culture.

So, what concerns parents like us is whether we have made enough of an effort to make our children understand that they have roots somewhere else, and that the culture they are trying to ape may not accept them.

If my daughter doesn’t embrace certain cultural aspects of her roots at this age — and I can’t force her to — I fear that she might never do so. I don’t want her to be disconnected from Pakistan. If, say, a situation arises that needs her to live in Pakistan, I want her to be able to adjust and feel at home there. No mother will want their child to feel out of place in the motherland.

Does exposure to different cultures make it easier for our children to integrate in different societies? Or does it leave them confused? Only time will tell.