Who said it pays to please most people all the time?

You’ve met them, I’ve met them, or you may be one of them: nice people. They always give others the benefit of the doubt, are ready to give a hand, or volunteer for that task that no one wants. They’re sensitive to the feelings of others, easy to be around, and rarely if ever argue. What’s not to like?

Not much, you say. But if you’re always the nice guy, if it’s your 24/7 public persona, there’s often psychological dangers lurking below that friendly surface, a downside that can take its toll. Here are the most common ones:

Internalisation: You’re that good, that laid-back all the time, really? Unless you’re on some highly effective medications, probably not. What always-nice people tend to do is internalise — hold in negative emotions that naturally rise up in the course of everyday life. The byproduct of these emotional crunches are often depression, anxiety, and addiction.

Periodic acting out: And if depression, anxiety, and addiction aren’t strong enough to keep those non-polite feelings at bay, you are likely at risk for acting out, through the one-night stand on a business trip, going on a binge, going into a hurricanelike rage at your kid, or your dog.

Self-criticism: What goes a long way to being nice is that you’re more likely to blame yourself than anyone else: It’s your fault, you should have known better, you did something that caused the other person to act the way they did, though you really have no idea what that may be. You have this critical, scolding drill-sergeant/parent voice coming at you all the time, looking over your shoulder, wagging its finger.

Resentment: A build-up of resentment can often fuel the acting out, but sometimes it’s just a slow and ever-present simmer that you internalise. The resentment comes because with your niceness also comes with expectations—that other’s will appreciate your martyrish efforts or will follow your lead and be like you, always putting others first, stepping up, etc.

Stale relationships: Close relationships can lack depth. Between the pre-compromise and internalisation, you never say what you truly want and feel, you’re not being honest and emotionally intimate. And if both partners are nice, the effects multiply, resulting in a no-conflict but superficial relationship.

Later-life regrets: That poor 100-year-old woman who regretted eating too many beans and not enough ice cream. That cartoon of the headstone that says, “Ate all that kale for nothing.” The water-down life, the not being truly known, the millions of missed opportunities to do and get what you want instead of what others wanted can leave you with regrets. Does this mean you shouldn’t be nice?

Of course not. But there’s a difference between a values-driven life and an anxiety-driven one. A values-driven life comes out of your… values, your core beliefs as an adult of how to be with others. You are kind and considerate and see that we are all struggling on this tiny dot of speck in the vast universe; you treat others the way you’d like to be treated. You do it not because you “should,” or not because you will feel guilty, but because it’s your life blueprint.

But along with this you can say no, take care of yourself, as well as others, be assertive and honest without being aggressive and hurtful. Life is win-win as much as possible.

The anxiety-driven life, on the other hand, makes being nice a way of managing anxiety. You learned to take a nice-stance as way of avoiding conflict and confrontation that you can’t tolerate, a stance that is “I’m happy if you’re happy,” meaning, I do whatever I need to do to not get you disgruntled because your being upset makes me anxious. Here you don’t say no, you don’t speak up and be honest and assertive because of your own fear. It’s less about a value of how to treat people and more a psychological flacksuit to protect you from a scary world.

If you decide that you are, in fact, tired of being nice all the time, or tired of absorbing any or all of these consequences, it’s time to stop going on autopilot and begin to makes choices.

Here’s how to get started:

Slow down to realise how you really feel: If you’re an always-nice superstar, you likely don’t even realise how you feel a lot of the time. Rather than quickly raising your hand at the staff meeting when they call for volunteers, take a few deep breaths and ask yourself whether you really want to do this. The same is true about negotiating with your partner: Stop the pre-compromise and figure out what you truly want.

Use your anger as information: When you feel anger, irritation, or resentment, use it as information telling you what you need, what you don’t like, what you may want. Then again speak up.

Practise being more honest: Honesty is essentially what setting boundaries is all about, but honesty is also the driver of intimacy. Move out of that superficial talk and experiment with deeper conversations — telling those close to you how you really feel rather than “fine.” If your partner is doing the same, get the problem of verbal intimacy and honesty on the table as something you both want to work on.

You don’t say no, you don’t speak up and be honest and assertive because of your own fear.

Push back against critical voices: Your critical voices will go crazy as you begin any of the above. You will feel guilty, you will feel anxious that the world will despise you and that terrible things will happen. This is old little-kid stuff that flares up when you start to break your old patterns. Take a few deep breaths, pat yourself on the back, and keep moving forward.

So, are you ready to give up some of your niceness?