There’s no excuse for being late

How do you solve a problem like punctuality? Asks Maán Jalal

I HAVE A friend who is always late. All of you must be nodding or making that mmm sound. Because all of us have a friend who is always late. So, you know the pain. If you can’t think of one ‘late’ friend from your group, then it’s probably you. Sorry, but it’s true.

This particular friend is so late, always late, that the following things have occurred. I now can describe, write, draw with extreme photographic detail what their front door looks like from the point of view of my car parked at the top of their driveway. I have heard, literally, every excuse imaginable – shower isn’t working, stained my clothes, got a phone call, a bird flew into the house, I was waiting for the cake to bake, I had to check that the gardener did a good job, I was washing my plate, my aunt called and I couldn’t get her off the phone, I fell asleep, I was sitting, I texted you I was going to be late and you didn’t reply

so it’s your fault, you’re not going to believe what happened to the rug, I couldn’t find my keys, I got a really important e-mail that I had to respond to, I didn’t think you’d be on time, aren’t you early? Sorry I didn’t sleep well and I’m so tired. How do you solve a problem like punctuality? I’ve lied and said our appointments are earlier than they were. I’ve texted and called to make sure the friend is aware of the details to hurry them up. I’ve got other friends involved to create elaborate plans to make sure the said friend is on time. I’ve ditched, numerous times I’ve ditched a ‘late’ friend. I’ve got into arguments, fights, imposed the silent treatment, sent memes, passive aggressive messages, made light of, been vocal about, what I think is one of the most frustrating, debilitating (and some may argue selfish) character flaws of all time. People. It’s not that hard. Be on time.