Have you become quieter with age?

On many levels, I’ve gotten more introverted as I’ve gotten older. In high school and college, it was normal for me to spend almost every Friday and Saturday night out with friends (even though, as an introvert, it often drained me). Now, in my thirties, the perfect weekend is one with zero social plans.

And I’m not the only one who’s slowed down a bit. Even my very extroverted childhood friend is more content to spend the night in, hanging out with her family. In fact, she and I hardly ever go out anymore. Do we get more introverted as we get older? Probably, according to Susan Cain, author of

In a post on Quiet Revolution, Cain confirms what you’ve probably suspected all along — we act more “introverted” as we age. Psychologists call this phenomenon “intrinsic maturation,” and it means our personalities become more balanced as we get older.

Generally, people become more emotionally stable, agreeable and conscientious as they leave their youth behind. They also become quieter and more self-contained, needing less socialising and excitement to be happy. It’s why we slow down and start enjoying a quieter, calmer life — both introverts and extroverts. In fact becoming more introverted is a good thing From an evolutionary standpoint, becoming more “introverted” as we age makes sense. And it’s probably a good thing.

“High levels of extroversion probably help with dating, which is why most of us are at our most sociable during our teenage and young adult years,” writes Cain. In other words, acting somewhat more extroverted when you’re young helps you make important social connections and ultimately meet a life partner.

Then — theoretically — by the time we’ve reached our 30s, we’ve settled down into a committed relationship. So it becomes less important to constantly be meeting new people.

“If the task of the first half of life is to put yourself out there, the task of the second half is to make sense of where you’ve been,” writes Cain.

In the married-with-children years, just think of how difficult it would be to raise a family and love the one you’re with if you were constantly popping into the next party. So it’s probably a good thing — for the sake of our families, relationships, and careers — that we become more introverted.

But there’s a catch. Our personalities can only change so much.

In fact, in my book, The Secret Lives of Introverts, I like to say that our personalities change but our temperaments don’t.

That means, if you’re an introvert, you’ll probably always be an introvert, even when you’re 85 years old. And if you’re an extrovert — even though you’ll slow down a bit as you age — you’ll always be extroverted at your core.

If all of this sounds confusing, take your high school reunion as an example. Let’s say you were a very introverted teenager in high school — perhaps the fifth most introverted person in your class.

As you’ve gotten older, you’ve become more comfortable in your own skin, but you’ve also become somewhat more introverted. If you liked hanging out with friends, say, once a week in high school, by the time you’re in your mid-30s, you’re fine with seeing friends only once or twice a month.

When you attend your ten-year high school reunion, you notice that everyone has slowed down a bit. They’re all enjoying a somewhat more calm, stable, quieter life. But the people who you remember as being quite extroverted in school are still more extroverted than you. And that’s not a bad thing. In fact, it might be just what we need to flourish as adults. If there’s one thing we introverts know, it’s just how satisfying a quiet, calm life can be.

Generally, people become more emotionally stable, agreeable and conscientious as they leave their youth behind. They also become quieter.