Don’t be a perfectionist, just enjoy what you do

The holidays can be extremely stressful, what with trying to get the perfect gifts, have the perfect decorations, enjoy a perfect holiday meal where everyone gets along, and still somehow be perfect with your diet. This year, give yourself a gift: Drop the perfectionism, and be better than perfect.

While some people view perfectionists as those with a closet organised by colour and shirt-sleeve length or a meticulous junk drawer, perfectionism is so much more than that. It is an all-or-nothing, perfect-or-failure, perfect-or-forget-it mentality.

While it may appear that the desire to be perfect is fuelling perfectionism, there is something even deeper going on: the complete and utter fear of failure. You see, perfectionists don’t think they are perfect; they are scared to death that they are failures — another great example of all-or-nothing thinking!

That fear fuels anxiety and stress and also behaviours that can tax your sanity, as well as relationships.

Perfectionism presents itself in diverse ways, so let’s explore how it could be playing a role in your holiday stress. Do you ever:

> Stress out about getting the perfect gift for everyone? > Feel like you have to do it all?

> Think “he/she should be more helpful,” and then resent when assistance is not offered?

> Deny support from other people because you want people to think you can do it all on your own? > Second-guess decisions you make

> Find yourself getting more short-tempered with loved ones because you’re overwhelmed by trying to get everything done?

> Wonder why your family acts the way they do, even though they always act that way?

> Beat yourself up for things not looking better? > Find yourself giving up on self-care?

> Try to make sure everyone around you is happy, even at your own expense?

> Feel resentful toward others regarding how they are spending their time?

> Find yourself thinking, “I can’t wait for the holidays to be over”?

If you answered yes to any of these, perfectionism may be the Scrooge robbing you of your holiday cheer.

Perfectionism is an all-or-nothing mentality in which something is either perfect or a failure. It is based on a concept I called conditional self-worth, where you believe in yourself if and only if certain criteria are met. While there is certainly nothing wrong with that, the problem arises when you base your core worth on achieving them. In reality, your worth is much deeper and stronger than any of these. And yet, perfectionists tend to base their worth on external accolades.

What’s more, perfectionists tend to compare themselves to others and feel like they fall short. And this can lead to significant distress. For example, did you know that research shows the longer people spend on Facebook, the more likely they are to be depressed? And why would that be? Well, I would contend one of the biggest reasons is because of conditional selfworth, as in, “He has the perfect family,” or “She is so much more beautiful than I am,” which makes them seem better and while you seem worse. In reality, your worth is independent of other people’s successes, appearances or anything else.

Another aspect of perfectionism has to do with rules. Perfectionists have a set of rules regarding how things should be. Interestingly, while some rules are part of a perfectionist’s core mindset, they are not always conscious. In other words, perfectionists may not even know these rules exist until one is broken. And when that happens, stress and turmoil can ensue.

Remember that perfectionists have conditional selfworth, and rules play into that. When a rule is broken, perfectionists feel down about themselves. If they break the rule themselves, then they feel like failures. When someone else breaks a rule, perfectionists will often personalise the offense as meaning that person does not respect them. Either way, it is a blow to their conditional belief in themselves.

Now, let’s face it, defining your worth on either being perfect or on someone else’ reactions to you can be stressful.

So, I say, instead of expecting perfection this holiday season, focus on being better than perfect. Being better than perfect entails dropping the stress of perfectionism without lowering your standards.

Being better than perfect entails dropping the stress of perfectionism without lowering your standards.