Families can inspire kids to be generous
Lately I’ve been asking myself, “How can I teach my kids to be generous?” I started to consider practical steps, and then realised I had forgotten a more important question. The first question I need to ask as a parent is about me, “How can you be generous to others?” Questioning my own behaviour is crucial because it helps avoid two common mistakes parents make. First, acting like this is a skill they need to learn but doesn’t apply to me. It doesn’t help at all if I act selfishly toward others and then preach at them about giving freely. Second, acting like generosity is related to one concrete thing, like charity, and ignoring that generosity is a lifestyle.
What is generosity anyway? Why does it matter to kids?
Notre Dame’s Science of Generosity Project defines generosity as “giving good things to others freely and abundantly.” Someone like that sounds like a nice person, and I would love for my kids to grow up to be nice people. But how does generosity affect happiness? Generosity is associated with better mental health, and it is linked to happiness. “And even small acts of kindness, like picking up something someone else has dropped, make people feel happy.”
When we think of generosity, most often we think of spending money on others, but that’s only part of it. Becoming a generous person involves being helpers, sharing our time, paying attention to people and encouraging them, even being emotionally available. Do you see what’s happening with this list? Remember that the most powerful way children learn from parents is by modelling. That means they do what we do, not what we say.
And of course, parenting also plays a role in cultivating generosity. Some studies have found that various parenting practices — particularly role-modelling and discussing generosity —may help children grow up to be more generous adults.
How do I teach my child to be generous? First, I must ask myself, “How can you be generous to others? How can you be generous in your interactions with your family? How can you be generous in the way you interact with non-family members in front of your family?”
It’s a great idea to discuss generosity at a family meeting and make your values as a family explicit. Ask your child “How does giving make you feel?” Don’t be afraid to acknowledge all the feelings your child may name. Perhaps they might say, “I like sharing, but I don’t like it all the time. Sometimes I want my stuff and sharing it makes me feel bad.” This is a great time to ask them, “Why is giving good for us?” Explain what it does for happiness for themselves and everyone around them. Explain why your family values it. Then strategise steps they can take to be generous.
A conversation about generosity is a fantastic opportunity to talk about boundaries. “Share” is the first command word kids learn in their lives that has to do with generosity. They hear it constantly in daycare or preschool. All too often it is presented as a requirement. When I talk with kids about this, they usually express sharing as a black and white rule. They get the message that if someone wants what they have, they need to give it to them. The message is “what’s yours is mine.” Yikes! Without understanding ownership and personal rights, there is no true sharing or generosity. If a child is taught to share automatically without any consideration of their own feelings, they are being taught to be taken advantage of.
True generosity means that I give of what is mine, by my own choice. And that is where the joy and the character building come from. So first, I must understand what is mine and what is yours.
Why is generosity good for you?
So often, what we teach our kids has to do with our view of the world and our view of what it means to be human. Many of us were taught that humans are selfish by nature. We were taught this as a fundamental principle of capitalism. We were taught this as a principle of evolution when we were told selfishness was the say to ensure survival of the fittest. The strongest took the good stuff and survived, and the suckers died.
However, the science of evolutionary sociology has called much of this into question. In fact, pro-social behaviour has been shown to have survival value, because groups survive together. It even gives people an advantage with mating, making them more attractive to potential partners. Today, generosity is linked to benefits in the workplace and more contentment in romantic relationships. People who practice generosity live longer, and enjoy better physical and mental health.
Generosity goes both ways, from adults to children and children to adults. It turns out that in societies that are not technologically advanced, the generosity of the children was essential to the survival of the community. When children carry water, help prepare food, or care for and teach the other children, the whole community survives more.
Becoming a generous person involves being helpers, sharing time, and paying attention to people.
Life lived for tomorrow will always be just a day away from being realised.