Teach kids values and help them stand up for themselves
To me, my parents’ relationship is like a Bollywood movie. Anil, an actor, and Sunita, a former model and fashion designer, met in high school, fell in love, and have been happily married for 35 years. When we were young, my brother, sister and I would be embarrassed when they called each other “baby” and were affectionate in front of us. But they were best friends and partners, supporting one another’s goals and working together to raise their family, regardless of what society dictated.
When my dad was struggling at the start of his acting career, my mom supported the two of them financially through modelling work, even though she hated being in front of the camera. And when I was five or six, my dad — who has always identified as a feminist — would take me along to his work to take the pressure off my mom, which was unheard of at the time and still uncommon. (This wasn’t always easy for him: Once, I threw a tantrum after my laces came undone, and my dad had to leave a scene mid take because I wouldn’t let anyone else retie them.)
With these kinds of actions, my parents taught us their progressive principles. Watching them, I learned the value of hard work, honesty, tolerance and a strong moral compass, and that what I could accomplish didn’t have to be limited or decided by my gender. While this may be common knowledge in other parts of the world (in theory if not always in practice), growing up in
India, this was revolutionary. Here, many of us worship goddesses and elect women to the most powerful offices, yet women still aren’t seen as equal to men.
But at home, there was no difference between my brother and I, between my mom and my dad. Seeing my parents interact as equals, I knew I too could have a voice someday. I felt empowered to stand up for myself.
The actions and values I observed at home have guided me throughout my career, and in many ways shaped it. In the past, this has meant walking away from so-called prestigious films where I wasn’t receiving the treatment or pay I felt I deserved (the industry is still very patriarchal), and others that didn’t align with my worldview. But my upbringing has also led to exciting projects that have the power to spread my values further.
Cinema can be a reflection of what society is going through, but once in a while, you can be part of something that can actually change the way people think. My dad and I recently collaborated on our first film together, Ek Ladki Ko Dekha
Toh Aisa Laga (“This is How I Felt When I Saw That Girl”), in which he plays my father, and I play his closeted lesbian daughter, trying to find a way to come out to him.
As the first Bollywood movie about a lesbian relationship, we knew it wasn’t going to be a commercial hit in conservative India, and since we filmed it before gay sex was decriminalised last September, we weren’t sure the film would be released at all. But my dad said, “We need to change the way people think about these things. You have to be OK with loving whoever you want to love, or being whoever you want to be.” I couldn’t agree more.
The more I think about it, I realise inheritance is not about money, or property or legacy. It’s the values you instil in your children. Teach them to do the right thing and to stand up for themselves and others, for the benefit of their future selves and the people around them. Everything else is secondary.
Seeing my parents interact as equals, I knew I too could have a voice someday.