Teach kids the power of reason to protect them from bullies

“Boy (13) kills himself because bullies told him to.” That was the headline to a news story of April 10 in News24.com. Victims committing suicide is one of the most common themes of bullying news stories. In many of these cases, the child committed suicide shortly after kids told them to.

Headlines like the one above do an excellent job of inciting our outrage against the bullies of the world. They spur us to wonder how children can be so evil. However, enflaming passions against bullies helps no one. It also facilitates amnesia regarding the nature of children. Kids often blurt out their immediate thoughts with no censorship. They don’t necessarily mean what they say or foresee the consequences. I seem to recall having heard kids tell others to kill themselves during my own childhood. Who knows — maybe even I did it. What kids really mean when they tell someone to kill themselves is that they are really mad at them. In other words, they are not trying to bully the person but to let them know they feel victimised by them in some way. If they

sound angry when saying, “Go kill yourself,” we can be certain that is the case.

I’ve been warning for two decades about the dangers of the popular approach to bullying, which treats it like a crime from which children need to be protected and perpetrators need to be apprehended, judged and punished. The increasingly commonplace news stories about bullied children committing suicide have been sadly validating my predictions. Many of these children would still be alive had they been presented with a better way of handling their situation. How sad it is that children should think they need to obey directives to kill themselves. This article, therefore, will show how kids can respond effectively to “Go kill yourself” so that they reach a better social situation rather than the grave.

Logically, the best solution to bullying is to teach kids how to defuse it on their own. If I know how to get you to stop bullying me, I don’t need to hope that bystanders, teachers, administrators and counselors will be around to save me. I can solve my problem by myself, and you won’t be mad at me for snitching on you. You will have no motivation for revenge, and I will have no motivation to end my life.

Role-play demonstrations

First, the instinctual response to being told to kill yourself:

Bully: You should kill yourself.

You: How dare you say such a thing? Bully: It’s true. Everyone hates you. Do us

all a favor and jump off a bridge!

You: That’s not true! Lots of people like

me!

Bully: Yeah? Name one.

You: Tommy likes me!

Bully: What are you talking about? Tommy talks trash about you behind your back.

You: I don’t believe you! You are making

this up! Bully: No, I’m not! Go ask him.

You: I don’t have to ask him. I know he’s

my friend!

Bully: What a loser! You have no friends. If you kill yourself, no one is going to miss you.

As you can see, treating the bully like an enemy is likely to lead to continued bullying, exclusion and suggestions to kill yourself. Maybe some observers will feel sorry for you, but they won’t respect you because you come across as a loser.

Now, for a Golden Rule response, which leads to a win/win. In this case, you tell yourself that if kids are telling you to kill yourself, they must have a good reason. Of course it won’t go exactly as in this manufactured scenario, but the results will be much better if you treat your bully like a friend.

Bully: You should kill yourself.

You: Hey, you must really be upset with

me.

Bully: Not just me. Everyone hates you. You: Yeah, so many kids have been treating me like dirt lately. I wonder why. Bully: Duh! You’ve been acting like a major loser.

You: How?

Bully: You’ve been getting kids sent to the

principal. You: Really? Is that why?

Bully: Well, that’s the main reason. You: But kids have been saying terrible things to me. The school told us to tell when we’re being bullied.

Bully: Only babies tell.

You: So I guess I should stop telling. Bully: Duh!!

You: Are there other reasons kids don’t

like me?

Bully: Yeah. You’re ugly.

You: Not everyone has genes for beauty. Bully: You sure don’t!

You: You’re lucky you look great. But I’ve always looked like this. Are my looks the real reason kids have turned against me?

Bully: I guess not. But try to be cool. Stop

running to the principal.

You: Good advice. Thanks!

Bully: You’re welcome.

Much better this time, and so much easier! But we can’t expect kids who are in the midst of interpersonal difficulties to solve them on their own. It doesn’t come naturally for most people. It needs to be taught and practised.

We can’t expect kids who are in the midst of interpersonal difficulties to solve them on their own. It doesn’t come naturally for most people. It needs to be taught and practised.