‘I don’t feel I am beautiful’

I am a 15-year-old girl. I feel I’m not very beautiful. My eyebrows are big and I’m not as thin as other girls. I try to make up for it by excelling in academics, but, secretly, I wish I was beautiful. — Name withheld

When you tell me you are unhappy with your eyebrows and weight when you compare yourself to other girls, I think you might be able to predict what I am about to say: Please, no comparisons to other girls or images you see on social media or other places. You are a unique individual in your appearance, values and thinking. I would encourage you to love and celebrate who you are, inside-out, as you continue to grow as a person.

At 15, you have transitioned from being a girl to a teen, and the next step will be young adulthood. During each phase of your life, you have changed and new things become important. Now you are more aware of your appearance, and you are noticing your eyebrows and weight. Many women shape their eyebrows and consider it no different than getting a haircut. Maybe you could talk to your mother about this for advice and possibly visit a salon. As far as weight is concerned, I would encourage you to find out what a healthy weight range is for your age and height. Then make an effort to stay in this range. There is far too much social pressure today that emphasises on being slim, sometimes to the detriment of what is healthy for you. Your doctor should be able to help determine the weight range that is most appropriate for you. If you find that you are above your healthy weight, increase exercise and cut out unhealthy foods. I suggest you make this a lifelong habit to be as healthy as you can be throughout your life.

I am very happy to hear that you are excelling in your academic work, because this is the best investment you can make in yourself. It will set the stage for you to go forward and get a university degree. You will acquire good knowledge and analytical and critical thinking skills that are so important in our modern world. I hope you will continue to go above and beyond in your academics and not just see it as a way for compensating for something you are unhappy about!

My son, who is a teenager, has begun asking me for money to ‘fulfil’ his needs. These aren’t small amounts like Dh100 or 200, but Dh500. When I refuse, he shuts himself into a room, threatening not to eat or drink. What can I do? — Ananya

I can see that your son’s behaviour creates a difficult parenting situation for you, because you don’t want to see him harm himself. It sounds like he is trying to hold you hostage with his negative behaviours when he does not get his way. Shutting himself into his room, and threatening not to eat or drink, is emotionally immature. Your son is a teen and needs to learn to communicate his disagreement and issues more appropriately.

Dubai offers many temptations to spend money on material things or entertainment. Your son’s desire to have money is understandable. Not having money can mean that a teen is excluded from activities with peers, which can be an emotionally painful experience.

I suggest you have a family meeting and find out from your son what he needs money for and how much he thinks he needs on a weekly basis. If you are in the financial position to be able to give him pocket money, an appropriate amount can be agreed upon. You might also want to look at what chores he could do around the house to earn his pocket money. Teach him about budgeting his money and the need to save for something that is more costly. He will learn to delay gratification, which will serve him well in life. I would also find it useful to explore and discuss activities that do not revolve around shopping malls and paid entertainment.

I would also take the time to explain to your son that his negative behaviours will not yield positive results, meaning that you will not give in. Teach him how to use his words to express disagreement, to present a good case for why he might need more money, and to accept when you decline his wish.